Topic: What is it?

English Alexithymia Forum > Questions and Answers

What is it?
28.03.2020 by DreaHEY

I am new to this platform and I don't know exactly how to work it lol but I feel like I have been struggling with emotions a lot and I wanted to know what I am really experiencing. So if anyone can help me, here you go...

I am a young 16 year old girl, I just turned 16 in February. I am a pentecostal Christian and have found life and purpose in Christ. I play guitar on my worship team and I make friends easily, sometimes, maybe most times? It is not hard for me to befriend a person.

When I was a child, I was very emotional, outgoing and authentic. I am usually described as very talented but I have always had an issue with "negative feelings" like saddness or anger. I had so many anger problems throughout elementary. I experienced so much bullying from it and I even turned into a bully because I wanted to fit in. There is no doubt in my mind that during this time, I had happy moments but I just wanted to die. I would constantly get spanked, get yelled at, get detention, or just plain, get in trouble. All. The. Time.

I was very depressed, until middle school. My mood and mannerisims did a "one-eighty". I was making manny friends and I hardly ever cried. Yet at one certain moment, I remember, I was sitting in my room thinking about random stuff, doing nothing. Just letting my imagination run wild. However, I think I was still depressed as I know most of them were very saddening. Then I realized, looking back on my "happy momments" I never really felt happy, I just expressed it, if you know what I mean. That was my breaking point and I always struggled with that thought.

I began to move during the summer leading into 8th grade and I became very, very depressed to where I was constantly suicidal. I was then given my 3rd time in counseling and it helped a lot, until now. I don't even know where I am. I feel like I am relapsing, only that I recognize my apathy getting worse. I was okay with it for a little because it helped me be more outgoing but now it is taking over. The only emotions I can really recognize are anger, saddness, or maybe even laughter. Only because those emotions ellicit undeniable, physical responses. Sometimes, I might feel a feeling within me, a calming one but one that comes in different emotions or "colors". Sometimes, it will elicit tears, or a smile or even just comfort. Sometimes I can describe it as love or some kind of combination of emotions but overall, it confuses me and others who I try to describe it to. I do struggle with sexual sin and just about anything that can make me "feel" an emotion, which is why most times I let myself be mad or sad or egg it on more. I have come across many similar "diagnosis" like depersonalization or depression but I just don't know what to separate. Like, am I still growing into my personality? I know I am and I know we never stop growing but for my age, as told by many, I am "wiser" than most kids my age. I was told this by adults, even my own counselor.

But nevertheless, I experience physical emotion but I have always had a hard time explaining or not getting frusterated with questions that involve my opinion. Most times, my answers are "I don't know" or "I don't care". Even to extremely sad situations. I have described it before as if they are running through to my face without a trace inside my heart. Like they are in a cage and I don't have the key or I am just detatched from reality. Like I am watching my own body doing things from behind my eyes. I am just very confused and I'd just like some opinions to bring clarity. I have been praying about this and I think the Lord led me to this website for a reason. Thank you for taking your time to read this, if you did, it means a lot.

22.04.2020 by Logan_spenga

I can relate to the sadness and anger. Except even those two emotions are rare for me. Sometimes I find myself crying and just enjoying and intensifying the feeling as much as I can. But when I try to identify what is making me sad I usually have no idea why. But most of the time I just live in a state of “meh”. People have always told me I look sad or something when I feel completely fine inside.
I do laugh and smile at a good meme.

I’ve only come to realize that I might have this condition only this last year. But as I look back on my life so much clicks about alexithymia.

I also relate to what you said about being young and very emotional in touch. I would be a complete jerk to someone and then cry about what I did.


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Alexithymia - emotional blindness - is a personality trait characterized by the inability to identify and describe emotions in the self. Core characteristics of alexithymia are marked dysfunction in emotional awareness, social attachment, and interpersonal relationship.
Alexithymia is prevalent in approximately 10% of the general population and is known to be comorbid with a number of psychiatric conditions. Due the inability to cope with feelings and emotions as described in psychology there are counseling services to establish mental health.
Psychologist have argued that the alexithymia construct is strongly related to the concepts of psychological mindedness and emotional intelligence.
These pages should deliver additional information about Alexithymia and offer information for affected persons, relatives and people generally interested in this personality trait.

This webpage does not intended to diagnose or cure any disease or symptom.
No part of this website should be construed as a promise of healing.