Topic: Thankful if anyone can help!

English Alexithymia Forum > Questions and Answers

Thankful if anyone can help!
05.05.2020 by User96671L56

Hi. I am posting this trying to understand my break-up 10 weeks ago. 15 yrs, never had a real fight, never talked eachother down or have been mean to eachother. But also NEVER talked about feelings, she never gave me a single word on how she ‘felt inside’, and intimacy/sex was a very low priority for her. But I did noe see the break-up coming, I thought she was depressed. At least one fight or talk to warn.
She is successful and smart businesswoman (CFO, very analytical..) but also completely unable to talk about and express emotions or feelings (but laughter and joy not an issue (in good times) ended our relationsship in the most hurtful and immature way. When searching the web for some understanding, I came across Alexithymia and suddenly my last 15 yrs seem to make sense. I would say she fits everything I have read about this. I would very much appreciate your thoughts on my story. My understanding is part of my own process in moving on. I do know it’s for the best, but I am wondering about my last 15 yrs, what's actually been going on.
If described by colleagues and professional relations, they would say she is smart, professional, polite, competent and perhaps charming. Her closest friend is her sister to whom she never has opened up to (according to her sister). By our (my) friends, she would be described much in the same way as from colleagues, kind of a 24/7-professional. She attends parties/gatherings (she has always said socializing makes her tired, that she is an introvert), but always keeps her full control, never drunk, never acts out. She is tall and quite thin, which I do know bothers her alot. A comment on hight or wheight, even ment as a complimet, can – as one of very few things – make her cry og feel extremly sad. Can cry over work trouble, but not over relational issus. I loved her figure, elegant and feminine, as I also told her very often.
Last 3 yrs of our relationship: In june 2017 she asks – and I am thinking now because her sister had become the mother of two and seeing how this had created a bond bwt her sister and (grand)parents (making her sister #1?) - if maybe we should consider a child of our own. She felt, due to us being almost 40 yrs, that assisted pregnancy was the way to go. In Jan 2018 she started working as a CFO at a new workplace. In Mar 18 second attempt of assisted pregnancy w negative outcome, and I can see how she is slowly becoming more distand from me, but I can’t reach through and I can’t get her to talk about what she feels or thinks. BUT: I also see how she seeks and find joy and positive attention in her new job, kind of like a schoolgirl getting the good attention (if that makes sense). After last attempt of assisted pregnancy result in Sep 19, I beg her to talk to me and I say many women seek professional help because of this. She looks at me w sad eyes and just says «no, don’t want any more». I tell her sister about my worries. To make this even more «future-proof» (i know), we bought an insanely expensive apartment (w completion in Dec 21) in May 19. ». Oct/nov 19 is cold and dec19/jan20 is freezing. And I am getting frustrated, sad and angry, but know by now that 'problem-talking' will not happen. I am waiting for a crash or break-down and thinking «then she MUST see a therapist». But no.
FEB 20: she shocks me at the train station with «I don’t think this relationship is working any more». I beg her to talk to me, but she just walks away for a 9 o’clock breakfast w ex-colleagues. She, the smartest, but most closed-up and private "good girl" I know just left me. After work I ask what is going on and she totally murders my character (after 15 yrs, no bad-mouthing, fights or anything (and very little intimacy)). Reason 1: She had told me a few times in 2018 and 2019 that she felt alone. And yes, she did tell me this, the most independant woman I know. And yes, I worked alot, but I never walked away from any of those ‘talks’ ever. On the contrary I asked and tried to tell her about the positives we had coming. But as always, impossible to get additional words (she later said I should’ve quit my job) Reason 2: I made her feel unsuccessful in the relationship. I ask if this is even allowed to say AFTER breaking up. And when disagreeing w her she takes the easy way out saying "okey, then I guess it must be me». And Reason 3: She believed that I would be unable to care for her when and if (yep) she would need it. To sum up: It was my fault that she had to dump me after 15 yrs like this. What about "it's me, not you"? Losing love I can handle, but his was just too heavy. I looked her in the eyes and asked if she had been unfaithful and she said no. 6 brutal weeks later trying to solve the puzzle I found out, first hand, that the most well-behaved/boring girl I have ever known now suddenly was the mistress of her boss who is married for 30 yrs and has two daughters of 13 and 15 yrs

05.05.2020 by User96671L56

Short additional info, some observations from the few unconstructive talks we've had.

* She says she found out she had feelings (!) for her boss i dec 19, found out it was mutual in jan 20. BUT, she sweares - and i kind of must admin she seems truthful when claiming so - no sex before dumping me. She denies totally and utterly being unfaithful, absolutely no way. But a bit autism-like she said "what exactly is the definition of unfaithful". I am thinking this is something a 16 yrs old would say. I ask if she has ever heard of 'emotional unfaithfulness', the one that hurts like hell where you give your love and life away behind your boyfriends back... But she does really not agree or understend this and she shuts down the talk immediately.
*In argueing for herself, she quoted me on once having said "in long term relationships it is not uncommon that your feelings gets carried away towards someone else". I was like "what!? That does not mean you act on those feelings". This is the first time I have gotten to talk - and argue - about feelings, and she almost scares me with what she is saying. So clinical in all interpretations.
* Per date I have received one apology; "I am sorry you felt hurt". No apologies for her way of handling things. But she says she cares for me very very much.

Her boss is a known name in their sector, this is a familiy owned company where the familie identifies VERY MUCH w the company. And the familiy is very happy with having my ex onboard. I've discussed the absurd situation she is in - and she has even told him she loves him (after... 4 weeks or some months perhaps, struggeling for 15 yrs w me...) - but there is absolutely impossible for them (he 52 yrs old btw) to have a future togheter without the whole familliy (shareholders, app 60 ppl) finding out. A company w traditions and a long history. My ex gets her confidence 'good feelings' from having a career and a god job, and she said early on this was a dream job (w some public attention). I asked her what she had been thinking and then I received the only thing I believe from her: " I did not think". For the first time in her life. But this - even thoug this part is not the biggest confusion for me - could destroy her if someone would find out (his wife fx). This "good girl" can not bear the social stigma either, nor two teenage daughters probably not liking her too much the next 5 or 10 yrs.

This girl can not express or show (or know) her emotions. I assume that does not suddenly change over night? Is there any logic to all of this crazy?

14.05.2020 by User76639A31

It seems bizarre for thig guy (high on the scale) to connect and understand... but "IT'S NOT YOU"!!!!
At the same time, (I'm not a therapist) "It's not her".... it's the wiring in her/my head that just is. It is VERY hard to verbalize, it is VERY hard to understand. even after the test scoring me high and a willingness to acknowledge my state and do everything I can to deal with it. From where I'm at right now, I have no clue how to address it, and even harder to understand how to change it.

22.06.2020 by User25660N61

She thinks logically but her body doesnt and its confusing. I'd say approach her from a logical standpoint. Be more logical about the whole conversation. 15 years deserves a more mature ending but it did end with infidelity. Being Alexi you can feel things but also just not know the words to explain. So also offer answers help with identifying if its sadness or angriness. Someone cant expect you to be able to know what they want like wanting you to quit your job. You're not psychic. Sounds like an excuse to me. Saying you made her feel unsuccessful in the relationship and all the other reasons, and she didnt believe you'd take care of her? She does get to see her side of things but i think you should definatly hit back on these points. Just dont put emotion into. Just describe your view logically. Either its an excuse or she really feels that way. And if she does really feel that way, from what i've read, she's wrong and you should correct her. Youve done everything to take care of her and that should be proof to believe.I dont know how the work thing is. But if you were supportive maybe that was her own fear she was projecting and had you known you'd have stepped up. She sounds like she was very confused and maybe still is misinterpreting her feelings as love maybe even love for you being transferred to this douchebag. It sucks. You should move on to someone who will understand you and can share a meaningful life and dreams and emotions. Or its all a misunderstanding and you need to read up and study alexithymia so you can actually talk this out with more understanding. I'm sorry.


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Alexithymia - emotional blindness - is a personality trait characterized by the inability to identify and describe emotions in the self. Core characteristics of alexithymia are marked dysfunction in emotional awareness, social attachment, and interpersonal relationship.
Alexithymia is prevalent in approximately 10% of the general population and is known to be comorbid with a number of psychiatric conditions. Due the inability to cope with feelings and emotions as described in psychology there are counseling services to establish mental health.
Psychologist have argued that the alexithymia construct is strongly related to the concepts of psychological mindedness and emotional intelligence.
These pages should deliver additional information about Alexithymia and offer information for affected persons, relatives and people generally interested in this personality trait.

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