Topic: New and Confused

English Alexithymia Forum > Questions and Answers

New and Confused
31.10.2020 by India123


I would really, really appreciate some clarification as I have recently come across Alexithymia in regards to my husband and it explains years of confusion, and painful experiences. He got 166 on the test. It has taken a toll on my health and well being, over many years, my husband is mostly unaffected. I have been doing a lot of research and reading on it, and a lot of what I have read makes sense. Before I came across this, I was starting to come to the conclusion that my husband has abusive tendencies, anger issues, and can be very cruel - as in regularly doing things that upsetting and worrying and stress me out, over and over again.
However, this confuses me - I have had terrible, as well as abusive, treatment from my father and my son over the years. My father is a text book case Narcissist. My son has ADHD (possibility of ODD). My husband has been incensed by their behaviour towards me, and has not been shy about expressing his strong thoughts (and feelings?) and says they drained the soul out of me. Yet, my situation with him is not too dissimilar.
So how can a person with alexithymia be aware of others (similar) treatment, and behaviour, therefore knowing right from wrong, but not be aware of their own (similar) behaviour?
Is this then not related to alexithymia but his own choice from his own nature, that is separate from alexithymia? Are there 2 things going on? I am very confused and would appreciate any thoughts. Many thanks

31.10.2020 by Alexej

Hi India123

One thing you might also want to read up on is Theory of Mind.

There are some threads in another Forum which might be of interest.
Look also there for narcissism - which is VERY hard to deal with!

Regarding the essence of your question I cant help - perhaps other can. It is a bit slow in here, so please be patient.

31.10.2020 by India123

Thank you very much I will look that up. There’s not much I don’t know about narcissism, my father is a text book case. There is no contact there now and I’m glad

31.10.2020 by Alexej

Have a look at

It might help you on your way

31.10.2020 by India123

Ah yes I know of Melanie, thank you! Do you think I am dealing with narcissistic personality disorder rather than alexithymia? Or both? ?

01.11.2020 by Alexej

From what you said my understanding is
- father Narcissist
- son ADHD/ODD?
- husband alexithymia?

I was not responding to your questions about your husband but trying to point you in the direction of some resources re narcissism, which I know was not really the focus of your post. I have no suggestions regarding your husband, so please do not infer that from what I am posting.

01.11.2020 by Alexej

HI India123

I was feeling that perhaps I was being a bit hard in my reply to you.
If that is how I came across - sorry for that.

02.11.2020 by India123

No worries I got what you we’re saying. With my father and son, I was just giving my background, I know a lot about Narcissism and ADHD and that’s dealt with. My problem now is my husband and Alexi. I have just recently found out about it, and I’m confused on some parts as in is it all Alexi, or is there other stuff going on that isn’t- ie if he knows right from wrong in others, how can he not recognise right from wrong within himself when it comes to emotional abuse because that’s what he’s been doing towards me? I’m concerned that he is using Alexi as an excuse and I’m confused as to what I am dealing with. I hope that makes sense.

04.11.2020 by Alexej

Thanks that makes sense as to what you are trying to discern.

Yes it is always possible that he is using Alexi as an excuse?
For me as an aspie (person with Asperger's) the alexithymia is part of the package - it seems that a lot of people on the spectrum have alexithymia, but it does not follow that if you are alexi you are on the spectrum.

As to knowing right and wrong in others but not recognising it in ourselves that seems not unusual. Indeed Robert Burns said "would some God the giftie give us to see ourselves as others see us"