23.06.2021 by User43343E53
I started having this feeling of epicness (if that's even a word) in 2019.
This feeling can also be called a state of mind IMO. Because when I'm taken over by this feeling, I get this weird heightened senses. I see more, I smell more, I hear more, but at the same time I also feel like I only see one thing, I only smell one thing, and I only hear one thing. It's like my awareness goes up 100x. There's no hyperbole here. I just feel so present. Everything I see suddenly looks so epic. Leaves falling off the trees look more amazing than those of the same thing I see in movies. Cars passing, people walking, even the smelly garbage dumps look amazing to me. The smell is still terrible but I don't hate it. I can just observe it. I can observe everything like I'm at the very center of the universe.
But this feeling doesn't really make me feel happy. I don't feel happy when I experience this. I don't feel sad, mad or even curious. I also don't feel great. I doesn't make me feel like "life is amazing and I'm thankful to be alive." The one thing it makes me feel is that it makes me feel like I'm a part of something really grand. Something big. It makes me feel like I'm expecting something though I don't know what it is.
Now I can try to access this feeling by going for a walk or a ride. But the feeling just comes as I enjoy the views. There's no way to really tap into this. So something it comes and sometimes it doesn't.
I have a neurological condition. The only diagnose I got from a doctor is idiopathic REM sleep behavior disorder. But the doctor and his colleagues who were there while I was getting checked suspected that the REM problem was just one of the many symptoms of a bigger problem. My left eye is dying. I have more than 15 floaters in my vision (both eyes). I have muscle weakness. I get injured way too often. I have OCD, sometimes I get this really sharp torturing pain on my fingers (feels like one of veins is being cut), and I have a speech problem where I just can't utter words at all (it's like my mouth forgets how to speak or it refuses to speak). But the worst is the REM problem. My head explodes every time I get another episode of it.
I think it's important to note that before I started experiencing this epic feeling. I went through some seriously graphic, psychopathic, and weirdly satanic nightmare. Don't know if I can call it a nightmare since "I am" the nightmare in those dreams. I also went through a phase where I suddenly had this really high tendency towards violence. All these went away when I started experiencing that epic feeling.