Topic: Who would have known

English Alexithymia Forum > General Information

Who would have known
16.08.2021 by User86606L55

I accidentally stumbled across the word Alexithymia while looking for answers to my ever challenging life of not really knowing how I feel or how others feel.
Took the test and here I am. My score is very high. Not sure how I feel about that.
But it all seems to make a little more sense. I have always had a hard time with feelings or even trying to figure out how other people feel.
Not proud to say that I have had the most daunting relationships with just about everyone I know. From my parents to my kids, right down to all my partners. No one seems to stick around. I dont blame them.
But I also came across a poem today and its the one thing that has made the most sense in a long time. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

my brain and
heart divorced

a decade ago

over who was
to blame about
how big of a mess
I have become

they couldn't be
in the same room
with each other

now my head and heart
share custody of me

I stay with my brain
during the week

and my heart
gets me on weekends

they never speak to one another

- instead, they give me
the same note to pass
to each other every week

and their notes they
send to one another always
says the same thing:

"This is all your fault"

on Sundays
my heart complains
about how my
head has let me down
in the past

and on Wednesday
my head lists all
of the times my
heart has screwed
things up for me
in the future

they blame each
other for the
state of my life

there's been a lot
of yelling - and crying


lately, I've been
spending a lot of
time with my gut

who serves as my
unofficial therapist

most nights, I sneak out of the
window in my ribcage

and slide down my spine
and collapse on my
gut's plush leather chair
that's always open for me

~ and I just sit sit sit sit
until the sun comes up

last evening,
my gut asked me
if I was having a hard
time being caught
between my heart
and my head

I nodded

I said I didn't know
if I could live with
either of them anymore

"my heart is always sad about
something that happened yesterday
while my head is always worried
about something that may happen tomorrow,"
I lamented

my gut squeezed my hand

"I just can't live with
my mistakes of the past
or my anxiety about the future,"
I sighed

my gut smiled and said:

"in that case,
you should
go stay with your
lungs for a while,"

I was confused
- the look on my face gave it away

"if you are exhausted about
your heart's obsession with
the fixed past and your mind's focus
on the uncertain future

your lungs are the perfect place for you

there is no yesterday in your lungs
there is no tomorrow there either

there is only now
there is only inhale
there is only exhale
there is only this moment

there is only breath

and in that breath
you can rest while your
heart and head work
their relationship out."

this morning,
while my brain
was busy reading
tea leaves

and while my
heart was staring
at old photographs

I packed a little
bag and walked
to the door of
my lungs

before I could even knock
she opened the door
with a smile and as
a gust of air embraced me
she said

"what took you so long?"

~ john roedel

17.08.2021 by Alexej

I just came across that poem as well.

It really spoke to me.

Welcome to the forum

29.11.2021 by kkelly

loved this. Thank you.

24.06.2022 by Starkast

That poem is pretty great. I'm a big fan of mindfulness meditation with the Headspace app. Also, I laughed out loud reading this sentence of yours. Not sure if you meant it to be funny, but I hope you agree it is :-)

"Took the test and here I am. My score is very high. Not sure how I feel about that. "

This sentence is also true of me.

22.07.2022 by Leigh4526

The same happened to me. I just took the test with high score and agree with what you have said. But I also suffer from making the same mistakes for a few years now, which is not due to age. I think my brain erases itself at night while my heart takes over because I seem to wake up to groundhog day. and the same problems start all over again.

27.07.2022 by Artemis256

I completely agree with what Leigh said, I heard someone say,”I feel empty all the time. I wake up and I am like I have to do this again? I feel like I do the same thing every day. And I can’t stop this never ending cycle of emptiness.” I have never agreed more to a quote. Or more to another person about their feelings.