02.01.2022 by GSC_PreLapsed06
Im about to be 16 years old now and ive been feeling this way for quite a long time but not forever. Before my mother and my biological father split up i was as innocent as could be and after that i lost a little bit of that, however some of it was still there. Those times were simple for me and everything i had questions for regarding my emotions or thoughts i could usually pretty easily answer or find an answer to. Eventually my mother and my step dad who i call my real dad even to this day considering i have not seen my biological father in many years split up as well. This caused me to become much more distant with both of them and myself as i was angry at my mother and my step father was very emotional at the time and i found it hard to comfort him or empathize with him even though i was feeling pain regarding the matter as well. I felt as though i could perfectly understand what he was feeling however i could not put it into words or express it whatsoever. Soon after that time i got into my first serious relationship with a girl who would not let the relationship come out of secret even after i waited a full year with her. I grew tired of this and one night told her if she did not tell her parents about having a boyfriend i did not want to do it anymore and so in an emotional fit she eventually did, but by the time she finally did i had already become distant and pushed her away. Between all the things she did to me like lie about being hurt to get me to sympathize with her and show more emotion and telling me bad things about me that i was insecure about i had become almost completely and utterly unattached from all of my emotions unless they involved her. About 6 months after that i got into a new relationship however i ruined it by lying saying i had experienced violence to try and get her to feel as though we were more connected, considering she really had experienced violence from her step father when she was much younger. And all though at the time i thought i was doing it in good intentions, i now realize that it was a horrible thing to do and can not imagine how i could have believed it was meant to be good. I believe i was subconciously acting the same way my first girlfriend had to me as i had experienced it before and now felt it was normal whether i knew it or not. After that relationship ended i was depressed for a few months but it was not nearly as bad as the first time i had split paths with a relstionship. After some time alone i realized i was not fully “over” my first girlfriend and i needed closure as i had just blocked her without saying goodbye or anything of the matter. And because of this i got back into her life and we got back together for a few months or so but during this time i had no emotional feeling toward her and only an unconscious feeling of attachment. When i realized this i ended things and moved on finally having gotten my closure, happy that i could now be free from the attachment i had to her for multiple years. Every relationship i have been in after that i have been completely unable to feel any emotions towards my partner in the relationship and the only thing i felt for them was sexual desire if even that. I have now been alone for a while now still sometimes engaging in some kind of sexual encounter with different females quite often, but nothing compares to what i felt the first time i was in love. I have not felt much emotion in a long time and my thoughts are starting to become annoying to be around and i am mentally exhausted. I would never even consider harming myself at this point but i do wish i could feel emotions no matter how good or bad they may be. I have become so emotionally guarded and disassociated that even when i try to force myself to open up i make no progress. I have not known anybody very well that has shared with me a similar experience or state of mind and was just wondering if anybody would read this and understand. Thanks for reading.