Topic: I am actually out of words to put here.

English Alexithymia Forum > Personal Experience

I am actually out of words to put here.
01.11.2013 by ACJ

I know I have developed this over the last year, and it is sort of strange I have to admit. It's like I can't feel and it's OK that I can't feel. I broke up with my gf out of the blue and I didn't feel much remorse. My grades have been slipping and I don't feel any worry.
I try to do my work but I stuff that up and give up. I feel like I could cease to exist and I don't care what would happen. It's almost like Pink Floyds Comfortably Numb . And I keep doing stupid stuff over and over - but I just don't feel shame. I try and interact with people and it feels superficial. I am here, trying and trying and trying and I don't feel any pain that I haven't achieved anything or any shame for all the stupid stuff I have done.
I don't know if this is just some sort of coping mechanism (for all the stuff that's being happening) or if this is how I am.
Then again, the stuff that has been happening is because of the remorseless decisions I take.
I don't know.
I really don't.

Alexi
01.11.2013 by Mushroom

Comfortably numb is the best way to describe it. If you have alexithymia that is what you will feel like. Numb all the time.

I feel ya'.
09.11.2013 by Delos6706

That's almost exactly how I am, man, how I'd say a lot of us are. Me and my girlfriend of almost 4 years, someone I thought I was in-love with, decided to call it quits, and I was over the whole thing in about two weeks. No sadness, no regret, nothing. My grades started slipping when I was in school too, and I actually ended up dropping out, only going back to get my GED because it's what I was told I was supposed to do, not something I felt like I was supposed to do or even really cared to do. I have almost no interest in interacting with people, and I don't care that I haven't achieved more at this point in my life. Not only do I not care, but I don't care that I don't care. It's not as if I don't feel anything at all, I still get enjoyment from things, still care about stuff, and still love some people, but more often then not I have a feeling of unfeeling. I can't say that I relate when it comes to doing stupid things, but I feel ya' on the rest of it.

On a somewhat related note, does anyone have trouble typing out long posts here or on any website for that matter? Like, you wanna type it, but a part of you is also like, "I don't care about this either, why am I even typing this much?" Lol.

I feel Ya
11.11.2013 by Mushroom

There is a lot I would like to type but yeah, why bother. Too much effort and I do not care that I do not care. I have tried hypnosis on this as well and nothing happened.But I don't care. Am completely detached from people and am basically emotionally dead, yet I don't care.
It is certainly interesting to be this way.

Comfortably Numb
19.11.2013 by Howlshigh

I have to agree with Mushroom, I think comfortably numb is probably the most accurate way to describe it.
ACJ, it could be a defensive system for the troubles you are going, or gone, through. But I'm not a trained doctor, so I could be wrong. The only thing I can say, from my own experiences, is learn about yourself, and your past and see what matches you find that link to behaviour and personality traits now.

Interesting
20.11.2013 by SSDD1

Comfortably numb is a good description. I felt exactly that way for over a year. During that time I was cut off financially from my family in the middle of my college career, and my mother tried to commit suicide. Both occasions produced only a mild and vague physical or emotional response, despite the extra mental effort of preparing finances, taking extra work hours, and calling my mother every Sunday in rehab.

Then one day something that I would now describe as extremely confusing happened, and I was immediately flooded with sensations that I did not know how to cope with, mainly increased heart rate, body temperature, a mental obsession and simultaneously an inability to focus, insomnia, and irritability. That was about 4 years ago, and since then I have experienced only those same sensations with varying degrees of intensity and two identifiable valences. I feel either:

A bundle of uncontrollable distress accompanied by a generally pleasant sensation, or a bundle of uncontrollable distress accompanied by a generally unpleasant sensation. Each with varying degrees of intensity.

If someone asks me how I am feeling, I am confused about how to answer, and about why I feel the way I do. My usual answer is "I am well." simply because that phrase expresses that I am in good physical health without any emotional valence. When people talk about feeling angry, in love, anxious, sad, or happy, I have an idea of which valence those things belong to (pleasant or unpleasant) and in what situations those emotions would be appropriate, but I don't think I have a concrete understanding of what those specific emotions feel like.

Does anyone else here have a similar perspective? If so, have you found any useful coping mechanisms, or ways of knowing what to call your feelings?

Disaster response
11.02.2014 by carol67

This post is from last November, so it is probably too late to provide a useful reply--but for what it's worth:

My background is in disaster response so I have a lot of training in disaster mental health: or 'our brains after disasters'--when we go through extremely unpleasant and traumatizing experiences a lot of times our minds protect us from experiencing the brunt by making us emotionally numb until we are in a better position to handle the emotions. The period when you were feeling the flood of emotion shows that it is a period when your mind started to recognize that you were in a safer place to work through everything you had experiences. We learn how to interact socially during periods when everything is going along normally, it is an incredibly hard thing to know how to interact during a time when you are experiencing thinking and behavior changes that trauma brings about but the person you are talking to isn't--you are experiencing a different version of the world than they are and this disconnect feels threatening and awful.

Art can be a good path out of that state--if you can't verbalize our emotions can you paint or sculpt them? They are caused by stress related chemicals that are in your system, these chemicals (hormones) continue to trigger behavior changes until enough positive things happening in your life that your system releases other chemicals and neutralize them. You can speed this process up through art, exercise, taking care of yourself, finding reasons to laugh--even if it is fake--and talking. The 'go to therapy' line is overused, but the nice thing about therapists is that the good ones are experts in the post 'year from hell'/support system disappeared' brain--you can talk through exactly how you are feeling and they'll get it. The most important thing to remember is that everything you are feeling is normal, it is how our minds respond to hard experiences.

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