Topic: This you guys too?

English Alexithymia Forum > Personal Experience

This you guys too?
31.01.2014 by FusedCon

Hey, this is pretty long but I needed to write it down.

Thought I'd share my experiences/thoughts.
For myself I've found that I have to learn a lot about another person before I understand how to properly communicate with them but this doesn't mean I've developed any form of attachment to them. For example, I don't think I have ever felt that I've missed another person, I can go months without seeing certain people that refer to me as their best friend and not feel any particular joy when seeing them again. This includes family members and so called partners.
On the subject of partners, I occasionally enjoy cuddling as a comfort but never felt particularly sexual, except for when I'm intoxicated and then anything goes. I've had a few people fall in love with me and although I may have spent almost a year with some of them, I would feel the same for them as the first week of knowing them, so I guess 'feelings' don't grow or increase in time for myself as they would for others.

I have absorbed social norms and implicated them into my life, this therefore makes me accepted in a lot of different groups of people, which is to my benefit as I get bored with things quickly. Although, to contradict that, a lot of my life if repetitive, I spend most of my time online, watching films and series but I am also spontaneous, I dislike making plans months/weeks in advance as I easily change my mind due to having a lot of physical problems. Like I have a pretty bad immune system and get sick often, which a lot of people would assume is stress related but I am unable to feel stressed, just numbness.

Physically I have panic attacks extremely often, but I am unaware of what my body is panicking about, so my mind is calm.
I am unable to tap into my subconscious.
I visited a therapist for a year and could never get anything across, most sessions would consist of my sitting in uncomfortable silence as her questions go unanswered.

My memory is dreadful, I cannot remember anything before I was 8 years of age, memories after that are unreliable as when I try to picture them, they are easily altered in my mind.

In general, I have little to no enthusiasm or motivation to do anything unless it is to benefit me entirely.
Some call me selfish, uncaring and spiteful at times but due to my knowledge absorbed from the community I have taught myself how I should respond to certain things, for example when my grandfather died, I felt nothing, I still feel nothing but I made myself cry so that I didn't seem cold hearted.

At times when I do feel something, the emotion generally lasts about 8 seconds and these are usually extreme emotions, especially anger and frustration. I find that at these times I can be extremely violent towards someone. But as soon as the emotion fades, it is as though it never occurred and I usually am unable to pinpoint what caused the emotion to begin with, as I just go back to not caring in one bit. These short burst of emotion can also be brought on by the tiniest things, possibly due to built up frustration?

Along with having alexithymia, I also have depression but I usually keep that in check with a joint before I go to bed and this allows me to at least act like I feel something towards people the following day.
I also have on-off social anxiety, it defers between days/hours or is dependant on who/what/where I am as I feel discomfort for my surroundings extremely often.

Overall, I am intensely dissatisfied with my life, all I ever wanted to do was fall in love, knowing that I may not angers me.

I may add to this as I think of more things. Thanks for reading, although I don't really care.

Yes, and i will share my story:
31.01.2014 _T('by') Chanty880

For about 5 years now, i have been noticing my lack or emotional response to anything. I do not know whither it is that i do not recognize these emotions, or if it is that i do not care to show them in the first place, but i will explain it to you, the best i can.

I find myself not being able to express how i feel, or know how i feel for that matter. When others are talking about emotions i just can't keep an interest in the conversation, nor relate to the feelings they express. I find the boundaries or my emotions are strictly being happy, or unhappy. There is no sadness, or infatuation, or love.

Though i do find myself entering a state of rage. Not anger, rage. It lasts for about 30 seconds or less each time, and in these 30 seconds i find myself crying and shaking, forming fists and just wanting to pulverize everything. Sort of like a mini hulk mode. I find that these out bursts are caused when someone/thing aggravates me enough, and i will explode. It is almost as if the emotions i do not feel, are there, yet bundle up waiting for me to crack and release them all at once in this rage.

Now, the reason i came to look up this personality trait, is due to my having many occurrences where i should most definitely be feeling an emotion, at least that is how it is with others and those on T.V, but yet i feel nothing.

For instance;
- family members and friends passing, or becoming ill/hurt do not strike an emotional response in me that i can recognize.
- Sexual experiences cause no emotion, nor do i understand why they would, or how they do for most people.
- i do not feel empathetic towards others, or care to understand how they are feeling
- I feel lonely, yet i don't yearn for affection
- i do not like physical contact apart from sexual ones.

The root of this, i believe, was due to high amounts of bullying i went through in high school. I am told Alexithymia can be caused do to high amounts of trauma, and i remember being traumatized due to the bullying yet i do not recall how it felt anymore.

I, as well, wish to fall in love, but the idea of love is so foreign to me. I believe i only want it because i see that everyone else around me has it.

My anxiety attacks are very strange. I get them mostly at night before i go to sleep, when i am at my most vulnerable. I think this is why.

Does this sound familiar at all?

12.06.2014 _T('by') Confused

Old thread, but I want to add to it.

I often get that sensation of not caring about people. Even though I call them friends, I only do it because it seems to me that that is what other people would call them. I have somehow learnt to adapt and present an image that is far, far more emotional than I actually am (or experience to be).

My memory is so awful. I've had periods where I can get surprised about how little I remember. Especially at younger ages. And everytime I've gotten a question similar to "What is you best memory?", there is nothing. I can't remember a single thing. If someone asked me what I did last week, I can't remember unless a spend MINUTES contemplating and sewing together memory-fragments. It's exhausting.

When my grandmother died, I sat next to my mother at the funeral, and she was crying. I didn't feel sad, but I knew that it would look weird if I didn't, so I faked it. I have always faked the "right" response. But I can never be sure that is what I actually felt or wanted to communicate.

When my grandfather died, I wasn't sad either. When my mom got hit by a car while bicycling, I couldn't show that I cared. When people cry, I don't know what to do. So I just sit there looking at them, just being confused.

I'm not sure if this was something I was born with, or if there was a trauma (of which I can't remember ironically...), and I can't even get family to believe me when I say it. And I know myself too little to be sure I am alexithymic.

I too want to experience love.. but considering the circumstances, I'm not even sure I would know how it felt like.

It's... frustratingly confusing, to have no words.