13.04.2014 by Blue2162
I this Alexithymia? I done the test and scored 124 I scored high on all apart from imagination because I've read what other people
have said and searched it and it said that they have more boring dreams and simple imagination but Im really want to know
what I have this is as close as I could get to finding what it could be Ill try explain.
I tend to write a lot because It helps me instead of writting little bits about each I try explain and it may get drifted or off course at some points
but I tend to do that.
Its not that I don't feel feelings because I do, I get a lot of them I was told by a specialist person that its like Im being ''bombarded''
with feelings that Im unable to tell how I feel, I feel numb a lot and when people ask how I am I normally reply with
''Im okay'' or ''Im fine'' because I dont know how I feel most of the time unless there is a specific emotion that is more noticeable than
the others for example like when Im watching a comedy, Instead of finding it ''funny'' I get really embarrassed like I was the one
doing whatever it was they did. Or if I was physically hurt or Ill Id feel the pain where ever it is but when Im not hurt or ill or something
I don't know how I feel. Right now I know Im shaking but dont know why. When trying to explain my feelings seriously to someone without saying ''I dont know''
''Im okay'' ''Im fine'' etc It makes me really frustrated and sometimes angry and I get this twitch in my neck julting my head to the left. On one accasion I ended
up crying which in tern made me know of the emotion I was feeling right then because trying to explain it ended up making me cry so it was somewhat forced but
unintentionally if that makes sense?
My mind feels blank a lot of the time but at the same time its not blank, but I can look at a white wall and my mind would be blank even if I was talking to someone but even though its blank I tend to be good at helping people with their problems, even if a lot of the time I can't feel or understand how they're feeling I give advice that I just make up on the spot or from what I already know which seems to help. But its hard when I don't personally know how they're feeling. But I try help when someone does talk to me as I don't want to seem heartless because I don't believe I am.
I feel like I think without thinking and I dont have the best of memories and dont remember too much from my childhood and things I do remember get easily altered and changed in my mind.
A lot of the stuff I can say or do is really random, I sometimes feel like I am a huge contradiction. Im not very good at talking to strangers unless introduced by someone I know and most of the time unless spoken to first I tend to just stand by myself or wonder off somewhere. I have some social anxiety so I tend to stay in my room most of the time online, watching movies, reading stuff etc It's pretty much the same each day but I don't feel bored but I don't go out really unless invited out or have a purpose to leave and I end up not sleeping a lot or when Im meant to but half the time I don't even realise I'm tired until I think about it.
The anxiety is on off, at times I can be fine and at other times It can be worse but it depends on the time and day and who Im meeting and where and depending on that I can feel uncomfortable.
When I want to do something I normally do it if I have what I need because most of the time I lack a lot of motivation to do anything, Im really good at drawing and making things art wise but Im bad at drawing from imagination I copy most of the time but I find it to be depressing sometimes just copying other peoples instead of doing my own mostly. But I can only do the these things when I feel the feeling of wanting to do it and because of this I was never good with keeping up with course work and homework which I was able to do well If I done it, Im not good at working at other peoples paces so don't like to make plans or have plans to do things because I never really stick to them. Talking about imagination again, I've never been able to control mine very well.
It's weird and all over the place but feels stuffed but really blank, white and empty at the same time If I imagine pictures, any thought of something different or
something, can't really explain but it ends up messing up and the 'camera'' angle moves about and I can be more than one person.
I don't normally remember my dreams but when I do they're normally incredibly weird, I seem to ''die'' a lot in my dreams but I jump bodies and become someone else. When I do remember them though I try write them down because I find them interesting, I guess it can be my alternative to how I've read that people
write poetry and music on here.
When it comes to relationships none of mine lasted very long but that was more down to my bad choice apparently
I've been in a few relationships which most were online but I never met them, but for some reason I can understand peoples emotions from the way they talk online more than in person.
I get more feelings from written words than spoken because it gives my mind something to work on as I can see it. But one thing said at one time can give me a lot of feelings but said at a different time I could feel nothing from it.
The longest real life before my currant one was only 5 months of which I didnt hug or hold her hand once. My currant one right now is 7 months but I have told her my problem that I dont feel the feeling of love in the relationships but I do feel happy when the happiness is made more noticeable to feel than the other emotions but
shes happy as long as I dont go off with ''some other hoe'' which I don't plan to or see any need in doing it as Im not all interested in sex. Its good now and then
but I much prefer just cuddling or walking together or something. But I hope to one day feel really in love so Intend to stay with her and she understands me and how I am
My granddad died recently, my mum was crying a lot but I didnt cry or feel sad, I went to the funeral and I remember that I laughed because I saw that someone put a solar paneled sunflower on someones grave and it just made me want to know why someone put it there, but that made my mum laugh too but the only thing that I did feel somewhat upset about was that he wanted to see what I made with the watch pieces I bought but In the end I didnt make anything before he died.
I at times have random moments when I have a complete change in how I feel, Though I feel numb most of the time I can feel numb but in a different way that makes me not want to talk to people but simple things can annoy me really easily which can make me angry like when I can't understand why someone can't do a simple task when I can do it.
But I find it hard explaining a lot of what Im ''feeling'' and emotions and opinions towards things, I have to be asked specific questions to make it easier for me to answer. but if it's 'how are you?'' The answer would still be ''Im okay'' or ''Im fine'' Its not only the numbess I can't explain, the blank mind makes it harder to explain things too sometimes which is why I need the more specific questions to help but not all the time but I think I only have like half of Alexithymia and there seems to be something else different but I can't explain it but for now this as much as I can explain. Any opinions/information would be helpful because not knowing really doesnt help. I dont know what to search
other than ''Whats the word for not being able to explain feelings'' or ''whats the word for having too many feelings that I can't explain them?'' And they all just turn up with Alexithymia I've seen professionals because all I wanted was to get a word to make me feel better since not knowing was frustrating but when I was told ''there wont be a word for being unable to explain feelings''
I had a large amount of emotion come up and I cried and told them that this is a waste of time then because thats all I want. This is as close as I've gotten to getting a word.
Sorry for the large post, It may not be related but any info would be helpful