Topic: anyone else feel this way

English Alexithymia Forum > Personal Experience

anyone else feel this way
13.05.2014 by tay

Ever since I could remember emotions have been impossible for me to express. I often had to ask myself do I love my mom my dad my sister etc. I know that I care about them but being able to show it is what's hard. Often when someone says like they value me or love me I either can't respond or I return the statement but am not sure if that's how I actually feel. I often do not have a filter either. Because words do not hurt me they more just resonate in my mind rather than make me upset. I forget people don't think the way that I do and say things that some people would find offensive. My mom told me that people tell her I am rude but it's not something I do on purpose or something I want to do. I do feel bad when I make people upset and feel a spark of happiness when I make people feel better. However I differ from a lot of people on this site where i like to hear peoples issues and I do empathize with them. I like to give advice to others because I think I understand a broad aspect of people's brains just not my own. I understand people and what they want for the most part. Except for my boyfriend most of the people i surround myself with are moderately emotional but he is extremely emotional so slick things I say are taken to heart and I wish he could understand that i am not trying to hurt him but it's not something in my control. I do not have a close friend because of this I cannot connect with people and if i do it is only for a short period of time I have never had a good friend who relied on my friendship and wanted to talk to me/spend time with me often. I think that might have to do with why I am this way because I never actually feel fully accepted or rather not a first choice in the eyes of anyone. I also agree with you all when you say you feel frustration/irritation very easily that may be the only emotion I comprehend though it only last for a few minutes. However, I think I feel emotions I just can't discern which emotion is which and why I am feeling them. Like my boy friend asks if i Love him and i say yes i do and i truly believe I do because he probably gets the most "emotion" out of me than any other person has. The main emotions I cannot comprehend are happiness sadness anxiety and love just to be broad. Sometimes I guess I have a build up of anxiety that I do not realize I had and I burst into tears and I couldn't tell you why but that's what happens. My dad recently moved out and I told my mom she had 1 day to be sad about it which is probably not the right thing to say but I just feel like emotions are useless and do not benefit anything. But I might not feel that way if i could experience them easier. I took the alexithymia test and it said I was high with a score of 123 but I am not completely sold that I have this what are your thoughts sorry my little description is all over the place. If you have similarities to me I'd like to hear it 

You're not alone
18.05.2014 _T('by') One-Hell14

I want to say that you're not alone, and I know how it is to be emotional blind.
I don't actually know how i can help you, but I'll give you my little story,
just in the hope that it will help.

first of all, I Never felt love, or even like a person. Or i just didn't know how to show it to them.
Well, Not so long ago my father died. first when i saw him, i couldn't believe it. I actually Saw him dead.
i told my mother this, and when she knew about this she came home and cried, like it would never ends.
and I also have a sister so i told her that too, but then she knew about this, she almost passed out.
and all I did, was just standing there and watch there reaction,.. like i didn't care.
right then, i didn't know how to react.
i really do care about him, but i haven't shown him any feelings, not at all.
at school i haven't told any of my friends about this. I just thought it wasn't that important until they found it out themselves.
since i didn't have many friends or good friends, everyone just said "condolences" or "sorry for your loss" teacher's cared about it, and that made me think of how cold i was back then.
anyway, i didn't know how to describe what i feel. so now i'm wasting my time looking at the dictionary,
and trying to find the word that would describe emotions. i actually worked a bit, but you still need to show those feelings.
so i taught myself how to smile and it helped a lot.
but i'm still the heartless person with a mask on.

I really don't know how this will help, but i hope it's better than nothing.