Topic: Cold and alone

English Alexithymia Forum > Personal Experience

Cold and alone
23.07.2014 by Nyar

All of my life I struggled with inner coldness, due to all the neglect and trauma I had to face when I was 6-7 years old. My older brother is a high function aspie, I spent all of my time alone neglecting myself as my mother struggled and nearly died from colon cancer, I didn't care or react or even behave as a human being, I was and am a "living" embodiment of indifference and apathy.

Years went by I remained cold as ever I got used to being alone and favorite plaything of bullies everywhere. I was beaten, verbally and physically abused around that time I started to split into multiple personalities, I as a core remained as cold and indifferent. I wasn't angry I simply didn't care even with broken bones and visible marks of physical abuse and permanent damage.

Recently, people tried to help me out of the hell I am in ( I am wheelchair bound individual due to the fact that I am a PML survivor ). People couldn't help me feel again, as such people started abandoning me one by one. I was told to be liked and even loved (both claims are utter nonsense). I had a FANTASTIC girlfriend. After my latest breakdown answer was and she told me "I don't care; I have someone else". My friends started to vanish one by one, I have been suicidal many times before. I did everything to care to help others to avoid my fate, this god forsaken and pointless existence.

I am currently institutionalized due to most recent meltdown. I officially lost everything due to this disability, I lost my love, my friends and myself. I don't type much due to the fact I am dyslexic and I have difficulties in thinking department by default due to the brain damage from PML.

I honestly don't see point in anything since I don't seem to improve, nor can I feel anything, enjoy life or prosper.

- Nyar