Topic: Hello, from the ASD.

English Alexithymia Forum > Personal Experience

Hello, from the ASD.
29.09.2014 by mindbox

I work everything out. I can repair an iPad or a transmission by reading a book. I understand how things work. I have a high level of comprehension. I study everything. I see patterns in everything. The way the universe operates on a large scale is reproduced in miniature form. History repeats itself. I must stay busy, I cannot stop thinking about a subject, a current hobby, or job. My emotions are for the most part still intricate unknowns.

My own emotions are one aspect that is problematic, and I continue to work on mapping out my emotional landscape. The other aspect is what comes with not knowing my own emotions, means I don't know what others are feeling when I talk.

I have a wife, kids, extended family, associates, and a career. They all know I am matter of fact about things, and I do not mean to come off as a jerk, but I have. I've avoided most social occasions that could lead to me expressing opinions I know will lead to my lack of regard for others "feelings". I am at a point where I wish the world would be like me. Only in regards to utilizing emotions in designated areas per say.

How I feel. When I get into emotionally deep water, I try to understand, but I cant. Confusion leads to me becoming angry. I view everything as objects. I want to just toss the object out. The entire emotional scheme. So I either stop in silence and refuse to interact, or in the past would lash out in bully-like tantrums. I have an internal conflict with this system, and have only the shutdown mode to fall onto currently. This does not go over well with loved ones.

I've tried to use Budhism or Taoism to help explain to others my indifference or English term of "not caring" is rooted in a compassionate sector of my brain, but that doesn't translate well either. I am simply an emotional foreigner. Who cannot seem to pick up the language, and despite being here for 34 years, cannot drop my customs and adopt yours.

Just a bit of p.s. for a bit more understanding of the emotional landscape I traverse. I wrote all that while waiting for my 10 year old daughter to get ready for school. She goes in late on Mondays to the gifted class she attends at a private school. My wife had left an hour earlier to take our sophomore to public school, the youngest to daycare, and all while not saying a word to me. Why? This is one of the times I do know. Today is the birthday of our daughter Sofia. I slept downstairs last night, because even though smells really bother me normally, I was unable to cope yesterday. Plus all of the emotions during this time of the year. This is a pattern in our house. I try to be happy for these 7 days, but no one is. This internal conflict of "what is wrong with me", "heart vs mind" takes place in my head, and it has disastrous consequences not only on how my family perceives me (insensitive to their feelings), but the battle does actual damage to me. The phisiological are my primary concern.

Oh, rather than backspace and figure out how to put it all together...my daughter died 6 years ago. I was far worse at dealing with others reactions to me back then. I've always sort of metered my response in social settings to those around me. It has worked well for me. Until then. Everyone was crying, grief stricken, and I did cry...initially. But it was strange, and I felt confused/angry/mad. At the funeral I did not know when we could move on...and I do understand how incredibly callous that sounds, but that is not how I mean it. And after being scorned by close relatives, and realizing when it comes to emotions I will actually have to just shrink away into the background. But that was noticed as well.

So what am I doing right now? I'm finishing typing this up in my garage where I am painting my car, and fixing the hinge on my wife's MacBook Air. That's how I cope with my broken emotions. By fixing something; any thing that I can.

mindbox
08.10.2014 _T('by') SnowWhite

Hello mindbox!


I work everything out. I can repair an iPad or a transmission by reading a book. I understand how things work. I have a high level of comprehension. I study everything. I see patterns in everything. The way the universe operates on a large scale is reproduced in miniature form. History repeats itself. I must stay busy, I cannot stop thinking about a subject, a current hobby, or job. My emotions are for the most part still intricate unknowns.

interesting, tell me more...

My own emotions are one aspect that is problematic, and I continue to work on mapping out my emotional landscape. The other aspect is what comes with not knowing my own emotions, means I don't know what others are feeling when I talk.

same for me...

I have a wife, kids, extended family, associates, and a career. They all know I am matter of fact about things, and I do not mean to come off as a jerk, but I have. I've avoided most social occasions that could lead to me expressing opinions I know will lead to my lack of regard for others "feelings". I am at a point where I wish the world would be like me. Only in regards to utilizing emotions in designated areas per say.

many men have that kind of "...way"...

How I feel. When I get into emotionally deep water, I try to understand, but I cant. Confusion leads to me becoming angry. I view everything as objects. I want to just toss the object out. The entire emotional scheme. So I either stop in silence and refuse to interact, or in the past would lash out in bully-like tantrums. I have an internal conflict with this system, and have only the shutdown mode to fall onto currently. This does not go over well with loved ones.

I had THIS while in deep depression ... it is much better now!

I've tried to use Budhism or Taoism to help explain to others my indifference or English term of "not caring" is rooted in a compassionate sector of my brain, but that doesn't translate well either. I am simply an emotional foreigner. Who cannot seem to pick up the language, and despite being here for 34 years, cannot drop my customs and adopt yours.

I am 32, also father of two kids...

Just a bit of p.s. for a bit more understanding of the emotional landscape I traverse. I wrote all that while waiting for my 10 year old daughter to get ready for school. She goes in late on Mondays to the gifted class she attends at a private school. My wife had left an hour earlier to take our sophomore to public school, the youngest to daycare, and all while not saying a word to me. Why? This is one of the times I do know. Today is the birthday of our daughter Sofia. I slept downstairs last night, because even though smells really bother me normally, I was unable to cope yesterday. Plus all of the emotions during this time of the year. This is a pattern in our house. I try to be happy for these 7 days, but no one is. This internal conflict of "what is wrong with me", "heart vs mind" takes place in my head, and it has disastrous consequences not only on how my family perceives me (insensitive to their feelings), but the battle does actual damage to me. The phisiological are my primary concern.

guess where I sleep?

Oh, rather than backspace and figure out how to put it all together...my daughter died 6 years ago. I was far worse at dealing with others reactions to me back then. I've always sort of metered my response in social settings to those around me. It has worked well for me. Until then. Everyone was crying, grief stricken, and I did cry...initially. But it was strange, and I felt confused/angry/mad. At the funeral I did not know when we could move on...and I do understand how incredibly callous that sounds, but that is not how I mean it. And after being scorned by close relatives, and realizing when it comes to emotions I will actually have to just shrink away into the background. But that was noticed as well.

we lost a child as well. I know this probably wont help much, yet I can "relate" ...

So what am I doing right now? I'm finishing typing this up in my garage where I am painting my car, and fixing the hinge on my wife's MacBook Air. That's how I cope with my broken emotions. By fixing something; any thing that I can.

oh... yes SURE... restorating things is a good thing, EVERYONE does what s/he can, see? not all can repair emotions ... and ALSO they don't have to ! :-)

...mindbox
08.10.2014 _T('by') SnowWhite

because even though smells really bother me normally

my wife sprayed her hair this morning, I ALMOST DIED, i had to go out of the house... oh one thing: the car, you like driving?

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