Topic: I have arrived ... whatever that means

English Alexithymia Forum > Personal Experience

I have arrived ... whatever that means
21.10.2014 by NotFeelinIt

I just joined this forum. I found the site after randomly searching Google for "I have trouble feeling emotions". The term Alexithymia came up, and of course I had never heard of it. I would first like to say that I don't search the web looking for potential illnesses that I have. If I'm sick and I'm going to die so be it. When I took the test and scored 155, I decided to check out the forum.

See, I am about to undertake what will (or should) be a positive life-changing event, yet I feel nothing inside. I have to take a test in a few days that will determine whether I make it into this field, yet I'm neither nervous nor excited. I just am. This lack of feeling is what finally led me to search for what I'm not feeling because I have experienced it for most of my life.

I have been like this for a long time. I have two children, and I'm about to be divorced for the second time. My soon to be ex wife used to start fights with me just to get some emotion out of me. Everyone looks at me as though I'm calm, cool, and collected when I'm better described as lacking emotion about the subject at hand.

When I was in my late teens, many girls liked me, and my friends always asked me about my 'experiences'. I made up stories to placate them. I didn't care about sex then, and I don't care now - a span of 20+ years. It's a wonder I even have two children.

When I see my reflection in the mirror, I am reminded to feign some type of emotion so as not to appear catatonic.

I do appreciate this forum if for nothing more than to know that I'm not alone in my ... situation?