26.11.2014 by melhinds1992
When I was little I was taken from my mum by my dad. He is a narcissistic parent. I was neglected physically and emotionally and also psychologically abused. Every time my mum would pursue us through the Australian legal system to have my brother and I, my dad would just pluck me out of school and move us to another state (14 schools in total). Many other things happened with my childhood. I can't explain everything that went on because its too much for me to handle and I would be writing forever as its years and years of being tormented. It was hell.
I moved out of my home when I turned 19 as my dad was losing control over my life. He requested I start calling him God and that I will do everything he says. He will drop me too and from work etc. I just laughed in his face and walked out the front door. I decided being homeless would be much better then living with evil. I decided I would no longer fear this weak minded man.
I am 22 now. I have been attending intensive psychotherapy since I was 19. I have a boyfriend who loves me very much.
I used to suffer from bruxism (grinding my teeth in my sleep and in the morning the top of my jaws would be sore), panic attacks, horrific nightmares, migraines on almost a daily basis, anxiety in my chest and belly and depression. I wanted to kill myself because I seriously hated the world and country for letting me down. I was living with someone I was terrified of.
I was diagnosed with alexithymia because I can not tell anyone how I feel because my dad would tell me what I was feeling since I was little. I find it hard to be in social groups. I find it easier to make friends with individuals first. It doesn't bother me if I haven't seen people in ages.
I find it so hard to remember my past being majority of my childhood.
I find it hard to explain what I have been through. My boyfriend and my step uncle have been the only 2 to help me recover. All the things I listed I only suffer from anxiety and the alexithymia itself now.
I also don't care what other people think of me and find it easy to cut people out of my life who have betrayed or upset me. People who say sorry to me I don't know how to react or feel about it for some reason apologies are not enough. I just don't feel anything.
I went for a run the other day after almost 4 years and I realised what it felt like again. I felt really great.
I think the main reason why I am writing this is so that if there is anyone out there who has suffered from a traumatic experience. Please get some help. I found that for a long time for some reason no one understood me. I had no one to talk to about this because no one I knew had gone through the same thing. I managed to eventually meet 2 different people who suffered the same traumatic experience and when I realised I wasn't alone it helped. But eventually I had to stop talking to these people because it was interfering with my therepy. As they did not suffer from alexithymia.
I have come so far now to the point my sessions are only once a month. I have also started listening to music again, going for a light walk in the morning and started my degree. I also take maths lessons every week since my numeracy is low. My boyfriend takes me somewhere new every sunday. We go on different walking trails. Then we have sunday roast with my step uncle.
There are also so many other issues related to alexithymia that I have to work through. For example I never know what to say to comfort my partner when relatives pass away. He knows its not my fault as he comes to my sessions as well to learn and understand and what to do if I have a panic attack etc etc.
Building up self confidence has also been so hard. I have such a low self esteem. But having my support network has helped me so much to get through this semester at uni.
But anyway I just want to say that I haven't gone onto any medication yet. But I am going to be analysed by a psychiatrist later on to see if I need it.
Please seek a professional for help, you can not put a price on your health.
I used to feel like life had no purpose and I was angry and pissed off all the time. But now I am taking baby steps with everything. I am still trying to understand how I feel and what I actually feel.
Even writing this was hard to do. I don't know why.