Topic: I don't care.

English Alexithymia Forum > Personal Experience

I don't care.
11.12.2014 by scar

Hey, so um, everyone is sharing what is going on with them and to some extent I can relate but nobody has really hit the nail on the head, you know? So I'm just going to explain.

Erm, so from age ten I was really sad, maybe depressed, I don't know. Up until age sixteen I was sad, suicidal, isolated, I hated living and dying didn't appeal to me but it seemed like the only way to make it stop.

Then at some point the sadness disappeared and I was empty, I used to feel so sad I used to describe it as 'empty' because of the huge roaring ache in my chest that the sadness created. But as soon as my emotions and feelings disappeared, I knew what emptiness really was. It was exactly what I was experiencing.

At first it was a relief to feel nothing, after being sad for six years, after wanting to die for so long. It was great to be freed from that. Then in July the girl I loved wanted to leave my life, she needed space, we couldn't talk anymore she said...I was crushed, devastated. I wrote all of my feelings down because I didn't want to go back to that dark place I'd been in.

A month later and I was numb again, completely emotionless. It's been that way since, and I misplaced the book in which I'd written down all of my feelings in, and i need that book. I need to remember how it felt to have feelings, I need to remember, I dont want to be like this. But the book is nowhere to be found and I'm unfeeling, I just don't care about anything.

It's gotten worse too... I used to be such a caring, loving person, maybe a little distant and cold at times but I always wanted to listen to peoples problems and try to help them, I wanted to put everybody back together no matter how it affected me. I was everyone's rock. And now? I just don't care. I don't care about anything, when people cry in front of me, I want them to stop, I want to walk away and leave them to cry. When people open up to me I want them to shut up. I don't care about being peoples rock anymore, I dont care about anything or anybody. Nothing seems to matter. I don't care about my friends and family or myself.

I just don't care. Which isn't me. I never used to be like this. I want to feel again...i think I'm not sure. I keep doing things to provoke emotion...wrecking my relationships and friendships with everyone and as they leave my life I feel absolutely nothing still.