Topic: my story

English Alexithymia Forum > Personal Experience

my story
14.01.2015 by KTDarkness

Soooo i was born with deficient callosum (something that connects both sides of brain) but i didnt know until my 14 years. From a very young age i was the guy that observes people and dont want to take place to conversations and in general i enjoyed the time that i was playing alone, even though i had lots of friends and i was pretty social when i was with them. When i was 18 i had my 1st good realtionship, that didnt last long but i had much feelings for this girl, feelings of love for the first time (i hurt much bla bla bla). From that moment i started to learn more for myself with the help of some psycological books, checked lots of tests (in one of them had the result of INTJ) and it was pretty impressive that some of those results had some parts of my personality. Before 1 month i learned about alexithymia and try the test and it was possitive to high alexithymia, and then i said "here we go now i understandwhy i had all those reactions in the past". Im really cool with it, cause i learned that that missing part of my brain can cause this thing and cant be cured so easily. Im a really (really really) logical person and i like that all those imformations i gain are scanned by my logic and the actions that i take too. Furthermore quiet guy and i like being alone all the time and i enjoye being alone with my music or with a book instead of going out to do anything (except going for cofee). Two good friends of mine are teh opposite and we always desagree in the matters of love, romance and those conflicts are harsh to me, they always say to me that "im cold" in human relationships and stuff.
I have too confess something though.... When one of my friends crashed wtih his car (i observed all this) i didnt feel anything not even a worry or sadness, even though i wanted to i didnt cried or panicked and that was really strange for me.

I really wanted to discuss it with someone, thanks for taking the time read my stuff and sorry for my bad english is not my native language :)

15.01.2015 _T('by') Dark159ish

Alexithymia is a personality trait and therefore cant be cured. but it can be treated. Try reading or writing poems. Your not cold rather just "missing in action".

here's mine
06.03.2015 _T('by') DXS

I think mine came from being "told how to feel" by my mom.

She would ask me what I felt, I would say, "I feel X" only to be immediately reprimanded and told, "No, you feel Y."

I would then think, "well, I DON'T feel Y but I had better fake it and pretend to feel Y or I will get into trouble."

Thusly, I cannot "connect" to my feelings. I have had to "repress and pretend" for so long.

Due to my experiences, I have a heightened ability to know when someone has "hidden agenda." For example, if you say, "Why are you doing X" and someone says, "It's because of A" Well, I have a heightened awareness of knowing that A is not the real reason, the real reason is B, whatever the B is. My mom plays this game. She will tell you "It's because of A" but when you pin her down, you find out it's really about B.

This inability to connect to my feelings has caused issues between me and my mom. We are currently estranged.