Topic: Kind of a relief?

English Alexithymia Forum > Personal Experience

Kind of a relief?
05.03.2015 by faigelable

It's kind of great to find out there's a name for this "non-feeling" and that there are other people afflicted by the same trait. Other people that have to also deal with expectant audiences waiting for an expression of a certain emotion while you're stood there confused and lost. The game show of "feelings" where you always come up short.

Having alexithymia is kind of like your emotion factory is in continuous operation but nothing comes out on the conveyor belt.

I'm an ESTP on the mbti with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style and this doesn't help. I'm also being treated for depression so my emotions are further dulled right now.

I recently broke up with my partner of a short period of time. I know I definitely felt something in the beginning (I even cried when they finally asked me out!) so I know I felt whatever it was strongly. Only that feeling sort of melted at some point. It got revived but then it melted again and I'm not able to even recall that feeling when it was only a few months.

I broke up with them because I couldn't keep hurting them. They needed a lot more assurance of love and attention that I couldn't provide. I felt like a fraud. Having to substitute fake emotions while waiting for the other ones to come back. Being disillusioned by memories of feelings.

I wish I had kept a diary of emotions like some of you have. That would help so much. I'd love to recall how I felt back at the start. That would be really nice.

I still dream about them. If anything they're becoming more frequent in my dreams. I guess I still feel something but I will never know what.