Topic: What I have noticed in myself

English Alexithymia Forum > Personal Experience

What I have noticed in myself
07.03.2015 by DXS

I am able to instantly recognize positive emotions, like happiness or excitement. However, sometimes my "excitement" comes at times when people aren't expecting it (why are you excited about THIS?) or I DON'T have the "expected" level of excitement (We are going to Disneyland, aren't you excited?).

But I have problems connecting to NEGATIVE emotions, like anger or sadness. I start to get this uncomfortable feeling of anxiety where I know I'm feeling "something" but cannot put a word to it. Takes me 48 hours to two weeks to process it. I think this is due to "not being allowed" to have these feelings as a child, or being "told" how to feel.

I also notice that when I feel EXTREMELY happy, the "on top of the world" feeling, I become fearful. I don't think this is Alex, I think it's some other issue. But it may contribute to the Alex thing. The reason I become fearful at the "on top of the world" feeling is because.... during my working career, any time I felt I had accomplished this really great thing at work, the next day, my supervisor would "poke holes" in it, and I felt like I had fallen off a ladder and gone SPLAT. I don't like that "fall off a ladder and go splat" feeling. So, being extremely happy causes fear in me. Although I don't think it's Alex related, it may contribute, as in, "am I ALLOWED to feel happy?" Because as a child I was "told" how to feel and my actual feelings were never validated.

07.03.2015 _T('by') DXS

Left this out of the post.

I will instantly feel sadness for animal cruelty. I cannot watch the ASPCA ads on TV, I have to turn the channel. This will evoke tears in me.

Also, the only "love" I have felt was for pets. I don't feel it toward humans. I have no clue. To me, "love" was expressed in terms of "what you do" not "what you feel." So, in romantic relationships, everything was "manufactured" or an "obligation."

I did feel great sadness at the 9/11/2001 thing. I think that was more "survivor's guilt." No, I was nowhere near any of the 9/11 sites, but during my career, I traveled a lot by airplane, and in and out of Washington DC many many times. Thus, the "survivor's guilt" of "how come it didn't happen to me?"

Another name added.
08.03.2015 _T('by') Dark159ish

What you are feeling is type 3 bipolar disorder. It can come up in people with Alexi. What it does is forces your brain to switch between neutral and positive emotions. Since you have Alexi the effects of it has been reduced. I myself have type 2 bipolar disorder. (switches between neutral and negative emotions) as well as the Alexi.