Topic: I only scored 117 but...

English Alexithymia Forum > Personal Experience

I only scored 117 but...
03.08.2015 by NyxBean

...I still don't know how to talk about what I really need to.

I'll just say why I took the test and see if it leads to me opening up. Hopefully soon I'll be getting the Adult Diagnostic to see if I have an ASD (probable Asperger's; we use the ICD-10). Hearing alexithymia was a trait a lot of ASD individuals have, I took the test. I admit I took it twice. :/

The first time round almost all my answers wound up being "undecided" (telling me overall "some") but this time I really tried. I thought it would give me a lower score because I have great imagination, normally pretty decent dream, like helping friends with issues (though if they're at my house I want to play stuff), really feel it is important in a relationship to talk about whatever you know you're feeling, and some other points like that. I'd say I'm very emotive in my language when talking to friends but I suppose I use extremes and also find it hard to move past the basic terms like angry, sad, afraid, etc.

Actually, I get scared of a lot of issues for no reason, such as being in my living room. I think that if I am an aspie then it has some basis in routine but really, I'm guessing. Probably about 70% of the time I'm mainly guessing, actually, although the general over all point is there.

Currently, I don't know what I'm feeling about a break up from a couple months ago. During the first month I was obsessed and distraught and heart-broken. I had all the words. I even became suicidal at a point. Now I don't know what is going on as I gave up on the person I thought I knew and both my brain and my conscious emotions are "meh" about it. Yet I sent a long Google Doc to his mother, in part mentioning consent issues I didn't want to make a crime but felt he needs help with. I figured I was doing that because my moral compass would point to even if you no longer want the person in your life, if you cared in some way then you should try to break through their denial somehow and make sure they don't get themselves in trouble.

The downstairs neighbours are being evicted and are raising noisy Hell over it, getting to my noise sensitivity and wearing away at my tolerance. Also, time of the month and PMDD kicked in extremely hard. I was calm when I typed out the letter and sent it but I've been becoming frustrated and having panic attack feelings because it hasn't been looked at - I doubt she even realises she has an "Other" folder on FB. It makes me wonder about why I did it. I wonder if it was ethics, revenge, some weird idea of a reunion I don't even want, or something even stranger.

Body sensations have been varied and at times painful. I don't have much appetite and seem to be nauseated. I do sometimes dissociate and did so when writing out a status. That's when the "Psychopath" fragment came out. It isn't like in DID when a person has alters. I'm still myself when a fragment is out. The Psychopath doesn't necessarily feel numb. I think when I am like that I understand parts of it more, however with it there I was thinking of violence. When the Child fragments come out, I know more about what I am worried for.

Maybe I don't have any sort of alexithymia at all, maybe I'm simply in too many pieces at once to understand feelings. Or perhaps that's sometimes where it comes from. Unfortunately I personally don't know a lot about it. All I know is I'm supposed to be incredibly sensitive so it is weird to get either of my scores, both over 100 (I think the first was 108).

Does anybody else detach in any way? Actually I do it in a couple manners. If that is a differential issue, perhaps there should be a question on the test to eliminate that?

Rambling now.

The but...
28.08.2015 _T('by') Alex16papercut

Hey there, sure seems like you got a lot of uncleared thoughts and feelings. You're saying that you took the test twice to try and be more honest? I don't wanna play doctor or anything, but it sounds to me like you're maybe looking for something to explain the way you are feeling - if you understand what I'm saying?
Besides that you're saying that you might not have Alexithymia at all; that's a possibility, but there's also different levels of it. Some may be severely stroked by this 'condition' while others just have slightly traits of it. Either way there's nothing 'wrong' with you, and both things is alright to be, so there's no need to worry too much about it.
I'd strongly recommend you to maybe see a doctor or therapist to try and sought out these feelings/thoughts that you're having, to try and have less 'mess' in your head - I don't know if you agree?
Anyways, this is just what I detect in your post; hoped it helped a bit, if you have any further questions, feel free to contact me :)