Topic: Questions; how do you fix this?

Hey guys,

I don't know if I have alexi or what but I am generally lost at what is going on with me. The furthest incident I can remember is my fascination with hamsters. I loved them, took care of them, eventually had too many, and than lost that fascination. A few escaped, it was sad because I know they probably died a horrible death somewhere.

Than I got guinea pigs. Again...fascination! Researched the shit out of them. Got too many. And than dulled my emotions towards them.

At this point, I was in high school. I have always been a weird person. I read books, and don't understand how people fell in love with the first man they saw. Sex was explored and ultimately...it was boring. I don't feel good. It's more mechanical (yay I did it!) than a pleasurable act.

My grandfather killed himself right before my senior year. I fled the death. I know what emotion to feel. I blocked it to feel/act normal. It's the same thing I did when every pet died of old age/some sort of accident. Cat in the dryer, guinea pig attacked by ferret, hamster got loose, rabbit died of heat stroke. I KNOW these things could of been prevented. I know what I did wrong. But I block the guilt, the pain, and return to just a act.

Fast forward too now. I cant seem to find my emotions. I go backpacking in search of awe...at the top of a mountain looking over a valley. I feel nothing... The only thing I get out of it is showing pictures and knowing that I do something none one else around me does. Same thing with zip lining, skiing, amusement parks. My senses are just getting duller and duller.

I want to feel...What can I do to snap out of this and be a normal person? I want to fell excited to go somewhere. I want to get a happy sensation on a roller coaster.