Topic: Alexi and Romantic Relationships

English Alexithymia Forum > Personal Experience

Alexi and Romantic Relationships
01.09.2015 by Chloe

Any of you who have the Alexi trait been in (successful) serious relationships? What was/is your experience like, especially with someone who is very emotional?

02.09.2015 _T('by') maccheese

Honestly, I'm struggling a lot. My husband got upset yesterday because I didn't decipher supposed tired body language and still expected some help with our daughter in the evening. He expected me to remember that he just had a schedule change over the last week from 7-3 to 10-6 and had to work 6 days in a row this him being tired yesterday. I was coming from out of town and he called me several times to talk about everything else except the fact that because he was tired, nothing would be done and I would need to come in and catch everything up. I told him he simple should have communicated that. He says I should have read his body language 30 min after I walked in and when he went to bed at 645. I didn't understand. He had two hours to just communicate directly, not expect me to read body language after the fact. He also failed to realize that his work schedule also affects my schedule and is causing me stress to. My sleep schedule is affected (because I work at night) and now I have to take our daughter to evening activities and other things during my sleep time. But I don't expect him to just read my body language about these things. I'll just tell him.

Typical Man......
03.09.2015 _T('by') DXS

Men don't like to communicate. Your husband was being a typical man. I agree with you, he could have told you.

I find that I have to communicate, I can't expect people to "read" me. My mom is bad about that, too. She expects me to "read" her, but then she turns around and says I cannot read her mind.

05.09.2015 _T('by') JudyJ

I have been married to my husband for 15 years and he is a sensitive guy. I just got diagnosed with Alexithemia last year but he has been with me every time I had seizures or couldn't express what I was feeling. I found you have to find someone that is willing to accept you for you. I rely a lot on him after my seizures, because I just go completely numb and can't tell you what I'm supposed to do or feel. It has taken a while but we help each other, considering he was disabled for 13 years and is now back at work. I took care of him when he needed and he has taken care of me when I'm weak.

20.11.2015 _T('by') Prsma

I know this is a few months old now but I thought I'd comment.

Obviously with me the genders are swapped. My fiancee thinks I should be able to her and know that she needs help or that she's feeling down. Every time I don't she gets mad at me and all I can say back is, "why don't you just tell me you need help or feeling down."

A few weeks ago she got some slightly alarming news which could have lead to something serious, she spoke to me about on the phone and from what I heard in her voice I thought she was rather calm about it. Moving forward to her coming home, I'm playing on my Xbox and she comes in and calls her sister right away to talk about it so straight away I'm thinking everything is okay. She then comes and stands next to me 10 minutes later after the phone call (I'm still playing my game) and just looks at me as if to say 'what are you doing?' I ended up saying "what's up?" to which her reply is "really?" and then she storms into the other room crying.

I didn't know what was going on, she hadn't said anything else to me since the phone conversation and I didn't pick up any bodily or emotional signs, it was all just a blank canvas and I was waiting for her to tell me what was wrong. I had no clue she had taken to news so much to her heart but she didn't tell me anything so how was I suppose to know?

Through out our entire 4 year relationship I've never been able to read her and it's always been the same story, she gets made because I can't read when she needs help or is feeling down. I don't know what to do and it's something that I can't just change because I don't know what I'm suppose to be seeing or feeling.

Re: Prsma
20.11.2015 _T('by') Artfunkel

On the basis of your post, your fiancée is quite right to be upset. You knew quite well something "alarming" had happened but still asked her "what's up?" as if you weren't certain what was on her mind. It's the sort of thing that you might say to a stranger or a colleague when you weren't sure if they wanted to be open with you about a personal matter.

Saying that to your fiancée, where openness on personal matters is (I would hope) a mutual assumption, is tantamount to dismissing her concerns about it. From her perspective you know what's happened, and you know she is comfortable being open with you, leaving only one non-cryptic reason for your evasiveness: you'd don't care and want to avoid the topic. (Perhaps that's the case. If so, behave like it isn't!)

I'm no relationship expert but I would have thought that simply rephrasing it to "how are things?" or better yet "how are things with [X]?" would have made a world of difference, as you'd then have been acknowledging that there was something (potentially) troubling her.

Does she know about alexithymia?

21.11.2015 _T('by') Prsma

In terms of the way I spoke to her, I always talk like that, she knows I'm not great with words. It was more from talking on the phone it didn't seem like she was that taken back by the news, I didn't get that vibe. I just thought she had been told something that it 'could' be but before other testing they wouldn't know, so I just seemed to me that she was just a little taken back and not really in a emotional way about it. And from the way she acted when coming back home and talking on the phone to her sister, I still didn't get that vibe.

She knows about Alexithymia as she is the one who found the description for it, ever since we've know each other I've always struggled with reading and understanding emotions and I've always seemed carefree and cold but not in a harsh way. We've never been about to have a serious talk about anything cause I just seem to lock up and shut down every time and I could never explain what I was feeling and why I couldn't express anything. So this lead her to searching for what could be wrong with me or if other people had issues like this. That's when found an article about Alexithymia and then found the questionnaire on this website.

It took me a while to accept that there might actually be a reason why I'm like this and ended up taking the test 2 weeks after she showed me. I received a score of 170. I did make a thread some time ago now which you can see here -

Re: Prsma
21.11.2015 _T('by') Artfunkel

I guess it could be worse then. But still, it's better to appear too concerned than not concerned enough!