Topic: New to Alexi - 145 score

English Alexithymia Forum > Personal Experience

New to Alexi - 145 score
04.01.2016 by Awake28

I guess I can start with Hello.
It looks like I have Alexithymia, which explains a lot. My husband and I have been having issues and I recently made an appointment to speak with a therapist concerning my personality and addiction issues. I have always been robotic (that's about the closest way I can describe it) for about as long as I can remember. My closest friends have referred to me as "robo-bitch" through out the years because of my "shut down mode". Younger I had social anxiety issues, but have gotten less intimidated as I have gotten older and can speak to just about anyone (but don't necessarily get attached). Now, in the situation I am in (newly married and with a little girl), this information seems like it should be something of an ease? and yet I find no comfort in knowing there is a name for this. My husband frequently asks if I care or that I don't act like I care or feel anything. Multiple arguments (I usually remain quiet until I get too uncomfortable or offended and it has been know to throw me into violence) usually influenced by drinking (which again is something I have done in excess for as long as I can remember). He gets so upset that I don't know how to verbalize what I feel. And oddly the only time I do think I actually feel something is during intercourse in which its not really feeling but seeing colors or patterns. I have never heard of anyone else experiencing this until I went through some of the other topics.

I recently came across an article that associated Alexithymia and excessive drinking, and I am curious if anyone else has come across this? Does this ever get better? With my husbands support we are actively quiting drinking at an attempt to resolve and salvage what is left of our relationship. This has become such a huge conflict in our everyday lives. And while I am in this permanent "shut down mode" I can see that this upsets my husband and that's the last thing I want. I do hope that there is a solution of some sort? Any advise?