Topic: Introducing myself, and my experience.

English Alexithymia Forum > Personal Experience

Introducing myself, and my experience.
24.06.2016 by AlienBlooded

Hello.

I like writing, and psychology/psychiatry. I also like space. I have a fixation with personality disorders and human behavior in general. It has been that way since I can remember.

I started looking into it more profoundly when I was 8, when my english was starting to improve (it isn't my first language; spanish is. And there's not a lot of info in spanish). The first subjects I read about were Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia. I've always thought I was different, but was never sure why. The answer came to me lots of times in different ways. I eventually decided everyone was different in some way, although I still think I might be a bit more complicated than the average person.

This morning I looked into the definition of Asperger Syndrome for the fifth time, since I started questioning (again) whether I had any sort of Autistic disorder. I found that the symptoms do match with the way I behave and generally am, as I have found before. Some psychologists have told me that it is quite possible that I suffer from that, but there's no paper or anything that verifies that I do. I think it's because nobody bothers to look into those things in the country I live in.

Another reason why I thought it is possible for me to have that, is the way I speak. It matches Aspergers. When I was younger (not that that's much --I'm currently 16), I was always told that I 'spoke like an adult'. My dad told me I was petulant because every time he would yell at me I would talk as I would do in any other situation, which, for him, was cold and a clear attempt of mocking him since I was trying to 'talk like an adult' when I am nowhere near that.

I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder more than a year ago. I think it's a mistake, or at the very least, a poor diagnosis that could have been something else. I also do not take the medication, since the secondary effects were greater than any apparent improvement (plus, my mother agreed with this since she didn't really want to bother with meds). Despite thinking that, I found that this disorder is often linked with Aspergers, and cases of violent people who suffer from Aspergers often have been also diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. Now, I do not consider myself a violent person. Whenever I recur to any sort of violence, I do it carefully and well-planned. It is never disorganized, nor an impulse. Also, it has never ocurred more than twice in my whole life.

I found out, this morning, that Aspergers is linked with Alexithymia, and as I read about it, I realized it sounds exactly like what I could have.

I was obsessed with psychopathic and sociopathic disorders, since I thought I might have some of those. I never fitted completely into either category, though. Finding about Alexithymia made me realize that it is way more probable that I have that, instead of the two former.

I struggle with empathy and identifying emotions, as well as describing them or expressing them. I tend to fake them in the way I think I should. For example, if I know I am supposed to be sad in a certain situation, I pretend to be sad. I thought I was really good at it, but I have recently realized that it actually comes out quite fake. I know, in theory, how emotions are supposed to be portrayed; however, in practice, it comes out obviously fake.

I've had a few relationships, and they've always ended because the other person thinks I'm cold and distant. Unloving. Even though I thought I was giving my best to let them know I love them (which I was never sure of), they still told me they didn't feel it from me. They told me it wasn't enough, and that it often looked as if I was being forced. Last time, I admitted I did all of what I did out of curiosity. I claimed to be studying 'love', and how I was supposed to act in a relationship. The other person clearly felt used. I should probably clarify that I lied to this person about more than just my feelings. I tend to lie a lot. Almost religiously.

Every time I'm asked how I feel, I have to stop and seriously think about it. I try to imagine what other people would feel in my situation (based on what I've read and seen, mostly), and I answer with that. Since no one really bothers to look too much into it, no one ever realizes. Except, some people have, and they told me that I was a monster. Or something of that sort.

Now, being completely honest, I don't feel bad about it. That is... I'm not sure how I feel. I think it's interesting, perhaps.

I think I'm afraid of what this means. I've always been somewhat afraid, although I'm not sure 'afraid' is the correct word to describe it. I would like to know how it is to feel clearly, and I think that might never happen. I don't know, though. Most of the time I think it gives me some sort of advantage in several situations.

I also realize that my situation is a cause of genetics as much as an outcome of my environment. I live in a family where everyone is mentally ill. My dad is schizophrenic (which I think makes it unlikely that I also am), my mother and middle brother are clinically depressed (plus this brother is also autistic), and my big brother has some sort of antisocial personality disorder. My relationship with them is based on pure interest, and almost everyone is aware of that. If I do not need to talk to them, then I won't. We also tend to skip the part where we pretend we're a loving and united family. We often look like a business meeting.

It is quite possible that my brother also has Alexithymia. We act in quite a similar way.

There's also another thing that bothers me a bit: self awareness. I tend to imitate what I see when I find it interesting. Which, I think, is quite common. For example, when I was nine years old my favorite character was a (presumably autistic) brilliant detective. He sat in a weird way, acted and ate very specifically. I imitated him for quite a long time, till my obsession moved towards Sherlock Holmes, which is not quite different anyway. So, when I read about all the things I read, and when I feel identified with what I read, I think it is possible that any diagnosis that I have could be influenced by this awareness. I could be making myself believe that I have this or that, or I could be acting in a certain way to fit the diagnosis, in the same way that I used to act like my favorite character. I think that's how I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder.

So I've come to wonder, if I know what I'm supposed to be feeling or how I'm supposed to be acting to fit in a certain category, doesn't that make it less authentic, in a way? If I know all about how an autistic person behaves, then perhaps I could just be imitating that. I don't know if I'm faking it or not, and thinking about it only gives me more to think about, plus a headache. Again, I cannot tell if this is the way I actually feel, or the way I actually behave. I cannot tell anymore what I actually am apart from what I imitate. Or perhaps they are the same.

It's all I have to say for now. I apologize for any grammar mistake.

Speechless Irony
27.07.2016 by perceiving-iamb

It's blind blowing to me that I came across your letter. There is so much I could share about myself and alexithymia now that the veil has been slightly uncovered once again.


My biggest “problem” I have discovered about myself is my emotions. Being able to connect...to feel...and understand. Looking back I've never really felt a deep emotional connection with another. I lacked a connection with friends. pets, and as dark as it sound my family.

High school I was always very independent, some might say a loner but with one "best friend" and people I associated with just during those year and only in school. Especially in middle school and high school. If there was a trick to remembering anything I had it memorized. Association was my alchemy. I caught on to routine very quickly. Finding patterns was the easiest way to figure out a system. But horrible at spelling (still am).

A few years ago I started taking medication to help me become more aware. During what I call my "awakening" I had a need to express in words everything I could about anything I could feel and express form within. From 2012...


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The downward spiral into darkness feels like a loss of control over your mind. Falling into the realm of a world that which has not been created yet; you begin to explore. This is your world now, you have control; What you say goes. A perfect escape from reality of which you have no control, where emotions explode with no army to help you battle.
Born with "a little more" she used her powers to create something deep within - living in that world to hide from the demons on earth. Unknowingly hiding from the root of the problem. The world she was born into she struggled.Her mind always racing with questions. Analytical. Remembering moments of her innocents being corrupted . She never understood why. Seeing evils affect on people, physically she kept herself away from any danger that she had no control over. Keeping her distance from the world she was born into. She watched. Listened. Always seen as a shy girl, always feeling like a shy girl, she limited her emotional closeness to others.You could say she had a limited public life, rational personal life and her secret life.

Born and raised in an "end of the road" town- she was used to different. Her father always warned her about sick people in this world. But sick people interested her. Sexual Predators. Serial Killers. Pathological Liars. Sociopaths. Emotional Predators. All of which have personality traits that intrigued her mind. Was this because she felt connected? She couldn't understand why. Understanding she wasn't a sick person, knowing she would never do such harm to people, she pushed this question to the back of her mind. Trying to forget.

Growing up she lacked an emotional connection. Of course not realizing this until she left home and moved over 900 miles away.

She could read people and their emotions. She couldn't relate or feel empathy for how they felt- but she could see. Watching and listening- analyzing. Picking up on a lot, never knowing what good this meant. Thoughts lost, emotions hay-wired, direction and time ultimately in her world, meaning nothing. Not by choice but because that's just how her mind worked. Wondering why she was like this and questioning if others thought the same way.

Were there other people like her?

She always felt there was more to life then living in the ways of the world. Deception. She saw the flaws of this life, but never thought twice. She knew. Telling herself she must stay in the Real. By staying in the Real this emerged one of her most dangerous (if not directed properly) abilities of all...


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Coming across this forum was no mistake or accident.

It has been four years since I was able to "see" something about me from within.

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