My boyfriend of 1 year has this disorder and its very hard for both of us to cope because it feels like he doesn't care, or love me but deep down i know he does. Does anyone with this or know about this know how to help me or give him tools to try and cope with it?
Hello Devin, relationships are difficult with alexithymia.
A year ago I separated from my partner of 5 years due to my emotional absence.
However, I can give you some advice for him to think about which may help:
Don't disregard a reaction because it doesn't make sense to you - it's likely that the same action will cause the same reaction whether you understand it or not.
Similarly, don't prevent a successful compromise because you're stuck trying to understand a reaction to a situation. Try to work along the lines of: "I don't understand why [situation] causes you to be [negative emotion] but I will actively look to identify [situation] ahead of time and discuss a compromise/plan to avoid in the future"
Brutal honesty is rarely beneficial. When asked how you felt about a meal at a restaurant, "I would have preferred a McDonald's and it would have been 1/10th of the price" is definitely not a suitable response - yes, that actually came out of my mouth ¬¬ even if there is something negative to say, open with and emphasise spending time with your partner was a good thing, and whatever else was just a minor inconvenience. At the risk of sounding like a politician: it's not lying, it's focal restructuring of the sentence to promote the emotional response you feel your partner deserves.
Always try things/make it a challenge. It's hard to feel like doing something if you don't feel much at all. If you can't give a good reason not to (and being tired isn't acceptable) then go for it. Challenge yourself to do it. You'll have a greater number of experiences and a fuller, more exciting life doing so. Even if you don't enjoy it, you tried and your partner did. Alternatively, you can laugh with your partner about how you'll both never do that thing again.
They are all I can think of off the top of my head. I hope they help
Focus on the good in the relationship and what he does for you, rather than being miserable over what he doesn't or can't do.
I have Alexithymia and I've been married for 18 years and have two teenage children. Not surprising I've heard many times from my wife that she feels I don't care for her and the children. While on the surface I don't feel emotions for them whether they're around or not, that doesn't mean I don't care for them. Up until recently I didn't believe I didn't feel anything for them. However, my bipolar blew up and I moved out for a night and I suddenly realized that I did actually love them, its just not something I can access or experience on a normal daily basis.
In relation to my wife's emotional neediness, I have strategies I use. for instance when she is unwell, I ask how she is feeling, express my hope she gets better soon and try and be helpful and do things for he. Do I really care? While I don't feel anything I try and show I [I]'care'[/I] by my actions. I also make her hot drinks, pour her wine and go to the supermarket at night if she wants something.
You've probably heard of this old saying; it's particularly important for alexis. I am alexithymic and have been married to my wife for over 40 years. It's only recently that I learnt about alexithymia but knowing I have that tendency explains a great deal. In my younger days I taught outdoor education and was away a great deal. I learnt during that time that I do miss my wife when we're apart, but back then there were no cellphones so I couldn't tell her that every night. Now there are and I still take educational trips away with groups for up to two weeks or so. I call my wife every night because I want to talk with her, although I couldn't verbalize the reasons why, but also because I have learned that she likes to hear my voice and to know that I am missing her just as she's missing me, although she can verbalize that far better than I can.
So it's very much learning the response a person desires, needs and/or expects and providing that response regardless of whether you desire or need it. On trips away I am usually focused on the group I am with and really do not feel the need for communication with my wife at the end of a long and tiring day - but I do it anyway and invariably I feel better for it, although again I couldn't explain why. So pay attention to how the other person feels when you act in a caring manner, then over time, acting in that manner will become a habit, despite the fact that you may not initially think you need that contact. That is also the difficulty that alexis have - they do have a need for contact but because they cannot easily feel or verbalize that need it is frequently overlooked. So learning how to please your significant other will also make you feel good, even though you couldn't explain why or how the goodness actually feels.
This may not be true in the case of your partner, but...
Think of alexies like a cat with access to the outside world. If a cat isn't happy living with you, it'll find somewhere else to live.
Apart from that, communicate. Just... don't ask them questions like "do you love me?" because you probably won't like the answer. Chances are your alexie doesn't even know the answer, or what love feels like.
Instead, ask yourself: what counts as love to you? What are the actions or values associated with love? Then ask them their views on these matters. While they may say, "I don't know" if you as if they love you, they may well answer the direct questions in a way that you would describe as love. Just be willing to dig deeper to find out where the boundaries are.
"Does it make you feel good when I'm happy?"
"Yes."
"Would you inconvenience yourself to make me happy?"
"Define inconvenience." Do not flip out at this stage! It's a reasonable question, as peoples views vary!
"Come home earlier."
"Of course."
"What would be an unacceptable inconvenience?"
Just be honest and clear with them. And help them along the way, too! Don't try to give subtle hints and heavy sighs. We may well know something is wrong, but have no idea what it is or how to solve it, even if you think it's obvious.
Also, please do not mistake practical issues for not loving you.
For example, my ex seemed to think that I didn't love him because I didn't like being hugged / spooned in bed. I tried explaining frequently that it was because his body heat completely messed up my internal heat regulation (which is sensitive anyway) when pressed against me even a little, and I hate the way skin-skin contact quickly gets all sticky with sweat. But I also dislike wearing pyjamas because they tangle and scrunch up around me. He actually cried once because I left the shared bed in a holiday home to sleep on the single bed the other side of the room. I assume he cried because he thought I didn't love him? I ended up pity-returning to the bed and letting him hug me, and got bugger all sleep as a result.
This summarizes what alexithymia is:
"On trips away I am usually focused on the group I am with and really do not feel the need for communication with my wife at the end of a long and tiring day - but I do it anyway and invariably I feel better for it, although again I couldn't explain why."
Absolutely.
You are not a robot, emotional connection is good for you too, even if you don't see it very clearly, don't easily get very aware of it, or can't explain why it's good.
Athanasa, I only half relate to your cat analogy. Anyone who isn't happy would want to change the situation or leave it if not fixable.
Your questions on love are good though. And your last sentence (getting "bugger all sleep as a result") does show you cared for your partner. :)
PS: I wonder, you do have asperger beyond alexithymia, yes? Those sensory issues sound like it.
