Topic: Ask Non-Alexies

Yes of course it feels different (when I feel anything at all).

Being praised for a job well done just feels very positive like when celebrating having achieved something. Maybe a bit strange/unexpected and embarrassing too. I don't easily focus on these feelings when getting praise but they are usually there, I think, in the background at least, as fleeting emotions.

Being told "I love you", say it comes from someone I don't care about. Then slightly uncomfortable but mostly unresponsive. Say it comes from a friend - no, not a romantic "love you" - lol it happened before and it was a weird situation but it was kinda nice, quickly over with, both of us would be a bit embarrassed too. But it can build a bit of closeness I guess.

Now say it comes from the partner you are trying to build a long term relationship with. Now I have really mixed feelings about this one (again, when I do manage to have/see the feelings). I might feel a bit positive and at the same time somehow sad too, or I might feel just some sort of anxious thing that I have a very hard time even noticing actually. Because most of it is not allowed into awareness or is shut down for the most part before it can get to awareness. I have never had the experience of fully enjoying being told this in a relationship... I don't know why. But obviously it's to do with the inability to really connect (so far).

Damn sorry I noticed you were asking "non-alexies". I'm more "alexi" than not... Sorry.

I might feel just some sort of anxious thing that I have a very hard time even noticing actually. Because most of it is not allowed into awareness or is shut down for the most part before it can get to awareness. I

That is exactly how my how my partner behaves. I don't think he can acknowledge this (deep-seated denial) whilst you seem very self-aware.

I think you were responding to me. :)

I was not always this self-aware. I've been working on increasing awareness of feelings etc., in the last 2 years or so. It's a slow process for sure. And no I haven't yet got to the part where I can actually connect with a romantic partner. But I'm not giving up. Anyway, before I started work on awareness, I think you would have called it being in denial in my case too, but it's not intentional denial, just simply a lack of ability to even see anything. That ability is what is hard to acquire. Where I worded it like "not allowed into awareness" it's not done by consciously deciding to not allow it. Make sense?

So your partner seems to have the anxious thing about connecting?

tiger91 - yes, I agree, it's the lack of ability to see things rather than intentional denial/action. Yes, connection seems to bring on anxiety for him - and me, possibly because he doesn't (often) experience it.

Its a huge step that you are acknowledging and engaging on increasing awareness of feelings, to be applauded. Don't give up, the romantic partner who will learn to understand you is out there somewhere. It may be hard for us but not all of us want to walk away. Hence I can identify with what you write as I have lived with an Alexi for 16yrs (we spent only 5 nights apart in our first year of our relationship).

Does being told "I love you" feel different to being praised for a job well done? If so, how?

My husband said 'I love you' at the weekend, spontaneously and without any prompt. First in a long time, that I can remember. It made me feel warm, *special* (in particular), and happy. In a deeper sense that any praise for a job could.

My thoughts why this happened:

a) Ever since posting on here (from my emotional outburst), I have persistently been talking about Alexthemia and our relationship. Perhaps as tiger91 describes, that may be helping him to become more aware/conscious of feelings?

b) We were on a beach Easter weekend trip, *doing nothing.* He seemed more relaxed and has suggested he wants to do this again on the next trip. I was surprised as he is very task-focused and is always doing something, sometimes in an undisrupted sequence, I notice.

Now we both love travel and seeing places, but over the years it has become in many respects, more functional and task-orientated. So even if we are at the beach we are usually walking or doing something (my interest too as I don't need to tan). He is brilliant at planning itineraries and unsurprisingly he spent the early part of his career and studies in travel, before entering and specialising in analytics. He is good at detail and composing activities but somehow it can often feel like a ticklist.

I think the experience of 'doing nothing' had an impact. I wonder, because he doesn't consciously think away from the present (ie. contemplate, dream or reflect), he gets caught up in monotonous motion and activity. Does this resonate with anyone?

Thanks for the kind words. :)

And it's cool about your husband! Yes, it's possible it helps him become more aware, as long as he does actually have the willingness for it. Have you asked him about that?

As for the trip, yeah, it could've helped. I'm also very task-focused by default and I absolutely relate to being good at the details, planning etc and to being able to do monotonous tasks without reflecting much. That's all very me, really.

And so, I do think, the relaxing with someone doing nothing or just having some kind of fun together WITHOUT the task-focus can be good. I emphasize that because as long as the activity allows for it, it's way too easy to turn it into a task oriented focus lol, sigh.

You may truly be onto something with the idea that that focus needs to be removed to get more in touch with other things. I'll have to think about that more, and thanks for bringing this up. Let me know if you get more success with your husband that way. :)