28.04.2017 by kai-roro
I'm 16 years old and I'm female. I think I have Alexi, and when I took the test it said I was high. But I'm so young, can it still apply to me? Ever since I can remember, it is very hard for me to know what I am feeling. I will be walking home from school after taking a big math test and wonder what I am feeling. Or when I'm on a date with my boyfriend, and literally have 0% how I feel about anything. I do not know if I am happy or sad sometimes. Usually the feelings I feel are doom and fear. I will feel "happy" when I hangout with my friends, but it's more like I am doing something I enjoy, but my actual feelings may not be there. When people tell me they are emotionally distressed I have a very hard time understanding them because I rarely feel that way. Usually the only emotions I am distressed about are anxiety and fear.
I also do not have a big attachment to people, but it is very complicated. For example I love my best friend and we have been friends since early childhood. I have been in love with her in some way, as well. I remember when I was in 8th grade and I went over to her house and desperately wanted to kiss her. And throughout high school we have helped each other so much figure out the existential thoughts that consume of (we are both very existential and can get very depressed about it). Regardless of all this, at times I can feel so unattached to her and everyone else in my life who I love and care about. And it's hard to even explain this because I don't know what I am feelings, as per usual. I want to be around her, and I love her, but I could walk away. And it is more complicated than this, but I can't explain it. A few months ago I had sex with the guy who she has loved for two years, and just started to get over. She has had multiple boyfriends throughout these two years. The guy treated her badly, and I was there through it all. But the whole time even though I listened to what she said about him, and felt bad, I couldn't connect. Then one weekend he and I had an amazing conversation until 5am about life and I really love him and the next night I went over to his house and we listened to awesome music and danced around the house and I was gonna go home after hanging out with him, because I went over there in the first place to talk about betraying my friend by falling for him. But at 4am I decided to stay over, so we got into his bed to sleep and we started to hold hands, and ended up having sex. It was very emotional, but still I was unattached to it somehow. Then I told my friend the next day, and of course she was very upset, and I was so mad and sad at myself for what I did, but then again I wasn't. It was more like I was sad I hurt her, but couldn't feel the emotion.
It's weird because i want to feel so badly. I hate that I am like this. I hate that I can't feel the emotions she deeply feels. Also, I sense they are deep inside me sometimes, especially with this situation, but I can't access them. I have no idea how. It may have something to do with being afraid of being vulnerable towards people, and also not having hope in humans. I overall feel very confused about what I feel everyday.
One last thing, I will have very intense "mood" swings. Not actually deep emotion, but at one time I will feel like I can fly and feel blissful and amazing, and then hours or days or weeks later I feel so utterly depressed over the world and purpose and relationships and how to live. Sometimes there are quick episodes, happening in hours, and other times I stay in one of these "modes" for weeks before it switches.
One Very last thing is that I also have very deep empathy sometimes. I cry when I see injustice or cruelty or sadness. But I have a hard time connection with it, it just makes me sad that it happens. Other times I feel very shut off, as though I have little empathy. But I always do have some empathy. For example I am vegan and an activist for the animals and for environmental justice and I deeply want to help global hunger crisis and poverty, but then I can go off and do something terrible to my best friend. I don't get it??
Sorry this is so long, I feel as if I have no one to talk to in my real life:( I have tried to bring this up to my parents, but it is really hard for me to be vulnerable to people and admit I have a problem. So when I told my mom, all I could say was "It's is hard for me to know what I feel," which doesn't sound very alarming. I have also asked to go to therapy but I played it off like I wanted to for personal growth, and not because I am hurting, and my parents said no because they don't have the extra money if I don't need it.