05.04.2018 by shw650
Hi,
I just learned about this and I'm pretty low on the scale, about 104 which is in the maybe category but I also put undecided on many of the questions as the phrasing was often quite vague for me. If I take it again and try to understand the questions better I might get a more telling score. One big point of departure was imagination I think. I do daydream random scenarios fairly often I think. But I also do consciously use my imagination to try to explore certain scenarios, maybe more often.
I'm curious if anyone else has experienced some of these-
•Difficulty with thinking that when you cry you are *trying* to cry or trying to be sad, and just more generally a difficulty getting at what you are authentically feeling.
•Difficulty when people ask you how you are doing, bc you don't really know how you're doing generally.
•Intrusive thoughts/daydreams about doing something really mean or inappropriate. For example today there was a girl I know from class (college) walking in front of me and I had this random thought of saying "out of my way, fatass!" and pushing her over. This is not something I would EVER do or anything even remotely close to it, and I know how ridiculously mean and hurtful that would be. But my mind still wanders to these things fairly often. Sometimes it'll be the idea of standing up and shouting something in class or saying something completely unacceptable or racist or something random. Super weird.
•I saw this discussed a bit in another thread, but slight dissociation. The feeling of kind of not being able to think deeply or evaluate what you're experiencing, and feeling like you're just observing people talking but more like a movie or just an object moving and not a real other person. Idk, so difficult to describe.
•I often feel like more drawn to immediate concerns of finishing a task at hand, even if it's just like reading a random wikipedia article or something, than to skyping with an old friend or something like that. I often enjoy certain parts of the conversations, but I also often feel like other people feel the need to stay in touch much more than I do. I'm often glad that they reached out and we were able to re-connect about certain things bc I don't like the idea of losing friends and it feels like the responsible and kind thing to do to stay in touch, but it also usually feels like I could just go without the conversation, or that our random little connections may not be profound for me. As I'm writing this however I am also thinking of some friends from childhood who I do want to stay connected with, though it just feels like so much WORK to talk and re-connect and catch up on all the important things.
•I also often feel really unsatisfied with social situations, especially in large groups. I just feel like there are so many things to talk about and you can't possibly get to them all so it can be really frustrating to just talk about random shit. And I never really know how I feel at college parties but usually I can tell it's more negative than positive.
•Usually when I am feeling generally shitty or depressed, I don't feel like talking to someone feels like the natural right thing to do, or particularly helpful. It definitely depends sometimes and I have been able to make some close friends
•Last is a really interesting one that I just recently thought of before I heard about alexithymia from a friend today. I resonate with an idea of being really accommodating to others, often more than they would be for me, and I think in part I like pleasing others BECAUSE I find it so difficult to feel satisfied and certain that I am feeling good. It's almost a more certain thing to go off of than my own emotions. That said I actually do think I'm pretty good at perceiving others emotions and empathizing with them, just most of the difficulty is with my own.
Lastly, I also really enjoy sex though it is quite complicated for me and sometimes I get overwhelmed or am not sure why I am feeling a certain slightly negative way during a sexual interaction, though I think some of this has to do with me questioning my sexuality also.
If you read this far, thank you so much and I really look forward to hearing any thoughts or responses. I think this could be a really big path of realization for me.